Thanksgiving:

To be thankful… to give thanks… what a wonderful opportunity we have to bring healing and reconciliation to this broken world.

A family celebration darkened by the immediate brokenness of senility and distant devastation of terrorists in Mumbai. We have so much to be thankful for. A warm home filled with love and support. There was enough of everything to share with many more than our company. Vehicles to transport us from our own spacious homes to the house we grew up in. Clothing to keep us warm, protected from the elements and stylish. We have the privilege of knowledge, resources, stability and ability. We have the freedom to choose how to spend our time as a student or working in our chosen fields not because we have to have a job but because we are good at those things. We were born (and adopted) into privilege and it is not something to be ashamed of. However, it makes me think a whole lot. How easy it is for me to put gas in my car, write the check for rent, spend time with friends, choose to work at a church where I am not paid… I feel like I could go on forever and ever. All of which bring great pleasure and deep burden to my heart.

Nothing I have is my own. My education, relationships, faith, comfort, struggles and computer to write this on are all a gift. The world is hardly so simple that the hours I work make the money I use to buy some certain thing. I would not have any job if I had no education or physical ability granted by God or subsidized by those around me. How can I even begin to give thanks for so much?

I guess I am most grateful for the grace that has been so generously given to such an undeserving, miniscule part of creation. When I was younger, and much more insecure, I used to not know how to receive a gift or compliment. I would shake my head and say (and believe) “no, no, you don’t know.” Thinking the compliment or gift was undeserved because I wasn’t anything special. I have tried for years to understand what those little gestures really mean and where they come from. They are of God. They are the small whispers of tenderness and care from a creator who wishes me to be thankful. So I have had to learn to give thanks. To say thank you to someone who does something kind for me. It is not because I am ungrateful, but because I have been disillusioned to think only certain people are worthy. No one is worthy. We are mere instruments of peace and generosity. So let us give thanks to the one from whom it all began; the source of life, love, happiness and generosity.

Reading the fine print...

So, it was neither a cyberspace SNAFU, nor a "religious" censorship. Next time I should really read the directions.

Here's music-discussion.com's response

"Hi The thread was deleted as it cantained a link. We do not allow first time posters to promote links, as we are trying to promote a community atmosphere. Plus if we allowed all the members to post links, then we would have hundreds of posts everyday of members coming here to promote other sites, meaning the quality of the Music Discussion is comprised.

However, as you have contacted us regarding your post, I have undeleted your thread but removed the link to comply with the forum policy.

All the best,

Anthony"

Irony

I remember being a kid and taking the things I learned in school and bringing them home. One of which was my early fear of alcohol... why? I have NO idea. The teachers and administrators just made it sound really scary at school when I was six and seven years old. So my dad started drinking his one glass of wine in a plastic tupperware cup so we didn't realize it was alcohol.

Then when I got a little bit older I realized my mom drank like two to three cups of coffee a day! I thought that was outrageous and it probably was bad for her health. So we (maybe just me) convinced her one year to wean down to one cup of coffee a day for lent, and the following year she had to go without. Kids are powerful! Not to mention what the heck did I think about lent?

Today I got a headache. It's not a severe problem. It doesn't keep me from doing my homework, Facebook and blogging do that. But it serves as a painful reminder that some day I'm going to have to give up my caffeinated beverages. My parents were so good about this stuff, they really cared about our feelings and conscience. I don't know if I can be that selfless, especially for something so silly and little. Sure, sure if I really wanted to give it up I could and it would take a week or two to adjust back to normal levels of energy and endorphins without my capillaries freaking out because my blood just isn't as thin as it used to be.

So for now I'm drinking some green tea and praying that my head will feel better so I can actually have a good nights sleep. I think I've tried to convince myself to stop drinking caffeine over a dozen times. I'm almost out of coffee here at home, and I may just take it as a vow of poverty to not buy another bag of beans. "And isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

An eventful weekend

So things were already looking up Friday after class. I had a Hawaiian BBQ, music and a Roof Top Party to attend! Seriously this was probably the most eventful weekend since, well… I can’t really remember. After we ate and sang some songs, we packed up and hiked across the street to the Pasadena Museum of California Art Roof Top Party, hosted by Fuller’s own Brehm Center. The only bummer was, Melanie discovered I can actually dance (nothin fancy, but I can keep beet). The cat is out of the bag and I have no more excuses. No worries, I think I’ll still survive and I hope my secret is safe with her.

Then Saturday morning rolls around--grey and wet. I LOVE it when it rains! The first hint of fall, of weather, of seasons here in Southern California. I get to pull out my sweaters, socks and boots. What more could I ask for?

Little did I know my day was going to get exponentially more fantabulous until I got the call from Nicole. She asked me how much I loved her and I knew. I knew she would come through for me. I knew she loved me enough to hook me up with an extra ticket to the Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and Iron and Wine show that night!!! Have I died and gone to heaven??? (not yet, the concert hadn’t started).

So I was giddy the whole day, I could hardly get any work done, we were going to go see one of the greatest shows I could hope to see. (And for free, might I add. Thanks WaMu, just tag my concert ticket right on to the tab of the Bailout plan… that’s a whole other story).

We drove up into the hills of Hollywood, and stood outside the Theatre waiting to grab our seats, second row from the back. You bet, I roll in style. Iron and Wine were amazing—who knew such passion and depth could come from a guitar, a piano and an accordion. I was blown away. Their music is new to me but I’ve come to really like woman king, it speaks to the feminist in me. But my favorite part is that she is depicted as a hand-to-hand combat warrior, “sword in hand swing at some evil and bleed.”

THIS WAS JUST THE BEGINNING!!

Then Glen and Marketa came out with their band and just took us all by the seat of our pants and rocked! Not only did they do some of their own exceptional tunes they did everything! They left us silent and made us want to scream. Glen unplugged his guitar and walked up front on the stage and said “I think I’m going to try this one without the speakers.” He strummed the first chords and the crowd cheered but only for a second because we didn’t want to miss a word … “I’m scratching at the surface now…” We could hear him clear as day, unplugged, all the way up into the nosebleed section! “This is what you’ve waited for, your chance to even up the score… …” One of the most powerful performances I have experienced.

I have to add some of the most amazing surprises like Robert Sherman (who wrote and performed for us supercalifragilisticexpialidocious) and John Carney (writer/director of Once).
Really this show was beyond all my expectations!

Double Dose of Jesus

So today I was helping with the service at Fuente de Vida, the spanish speaking Church I will be at for the next nine months. I was told I would lead the "Oracion del Senor" "The Lord's Prayer." Okay, I'll just read through it a number of times to make sure i don't totally butcher some of the words.

So this morning, I was given a stole--blue and stiff, hand made by some people Ruben knows in Mexico. That was a first in my life, I'm not quite sure of their significance, but I'll keep looking into that. We walked to the front and stood behind the table, again not a position I'm used to. Pastor Esponda told of the significance of taking communion with the people of God, read scripture and blessed the elements.

I led in the prayer, that everyone else knew and said more quickly than I did so I giggled and kept going as well as I could, then Pastor asked me to say "the bread is the body of Christ and the wine/juice is the blood of Christ, or something like that" so I stumbled through "Something like that in english" and we stood there while everyone took their part. I hadn't noticed that we were going to all eat/drink together at the end, so as everyone was watching I took my piece ate/drank quickly and offered the plate to the deacon beside me who was surprised by my manners but didnt' say anything because i quickly realized I had done that one wrong. Pastor came to my rescue and offered me another piece of bread and we at together. I guess I just really got the real presence of Jesus today.

We have finally gotten past the "mucho gusto" part and moved into the "conjuntos" part. We're together in this and I have to wade through the next three months in order to get to know them and they me. Even when I take more Jesus than was allotted.

Conversations with Mom

Hey Mom,
I was re-thinking about what we were talking to Luz (my grandfather's caregiver) about today. She said that the average housekeeper made about 2,000pesos a day (Luz' family is from the Philippines) with the exchange rate of 46 pesos/1 us dollar. The basic math is that that same person is expected to live off less than $1.50 a day when a hamburger costs $1 and a poud of meat about $4-5. The next thought I had was that a person who made even 10 times that would still be living off less than $15 a day. This hardly pays for food and shelter (if you're creative) let alone healthcare, insurance, children, education etc.
It really made me think because I have budgeted for myself $100 a week for food and extras. That's something like $15 a day. Now, granted, I spend $5-7 on a burger here so there is some inflation but it really helps me keep things in check especially when I have gas, utilities, a spacious and comfortable home with running-heated water and electricity. This is the kind of stuff that reminds me how much I have, above and beyond. Why I'm in seminary. And that the world I know is such a small fraction of what everyone else sees/knows.
I don't know if you ran the numbers through your head again, but I thought you would be interested to know.


love you!

Mi primero semana era una interna

My first week as an intern

Sunday morning I leisurely rose to prepare for my first day at Fuente de Vida. Church does not start until 11am so I had plenty of time to review my “personal statement” for the congregation that day. I had no idea what to say. So I told them who I was, where I was from and a little bit about why I was there.

I sat alone through the service, behind two blind visitors who are apparently lay pastors for a church and honored guests that week. I scribbled some notes and followed along as much as I could. I think my favorite part is the singing, because I become part of the church when we sing. I can sing along, and understand mostly what I am saying to God but for some reason the significance of the words in these songs have changed. I'm learning that no longer does music at church find it’s strength and foundation in the words themselves but also in the corporate and personal offering it bears.

It didn’t matter that I only understood at best 50% of anything anyone said. It didn’t matter that my skin was white, my hair light, my eyes green or that I am a woman. They said “Bienvenidos” while shaking my hand and kissing me softly on the cheek.

I had a similar experience in South Africa. After 10 days of living, studying and traveling with a handful of South African Theology students I was given the name Owetu. A word deeply rooted in the freedom movements against the powers of Apartheid when citizens would rally together and proclaim Amantla Owetu—Power to the people, power is ours. Owetu means ours. At Fuente I have only committed to nine months and have given two days yet somehow I am part of them.

Day two: I met with Pastor Ruben and we walked around the church campus and began a brief conversation about questions I have. Then I observed as he led a couple in marriage counseling. I left early to join the deacons for a home visit with a woman who had suffered much pain so it is hard to work, and life is difficult. We sang more songs, Miriam read from Matthew 9 and spoke boldly of the good doctor we have in the Lord, we then shared our own prayer requests and offered it all to the Lord in prayer.

Most of the time I feel anxious about wishing I already knew the language, but the grace and support I have received has made me understand they love and accept me where I am and appreciate my commitment to them. But what is most important is that God is with us--guiding, leading and changing us.

new

I have two and a half papers to write but instead I went to the gym, washed my car (kinda--the windows), watered the plants and then wrote a song.

It started out with a little chord progression that I liked
Then some silly words that rhymed
I wrote it down and kept going...

It is very simple, but I think it's pretty good for my first complete song.
My thanks go out to all who keep nudging me to keep at this, to have fun and enjoy it.
The recording is pretty weak (sorry garageband) but its good to have something permanent down.


If you were wondering, here's the lyrics. They're simple, because the truth is our feelings and needs don't have to be complicated.


You walked into my life
Caught my wandering eye
Saw the beauty
within
We walked together
Through rainy weather
I lost you somewhere...

(Chorus)
Break through the darkness
Step into tomorrow
Who knows what
Will come next
Take on each new day
Yesterday will fade away
I'll never be the same


The sun is shinin
The trees are smilin
Take me back
To where we met
The birds are flyin
The streets are cryin
My heart is dying
Can't run away from this regret



Okay, now I really have to write these papers!! Yikes :)

Urban Plunge

This week we spent a handful of hours each day reaching out of our cozy little lives and into the community.
Thanks GSPC for sponsoring and having the vision to allow us to explore in these ways.
For teaching us to never stop asking why?
Why do people end up on the street?
Why do beaches get so dirty?
Why does it smell?
Why does the Church do stuff like this?
Why haven't I seen this before, or heard of this before?
Why, why, why, why, why?

Thanks for the hands who worked hard, played hard and came together.
Each day we met at Church, had some discussion, prayed and put our hands together and cheered for whatever was before us. Stellar.

Without the help of each one of you students, leaders and community organizations there would be a lot more hurt.
The pain, hunger, disconnection, stares, judgment, fear and hopelessness will never go away.
I am always grateful for times like this to continually look back on and look forward to.
I have been given so much, how could I forget to give it back in return.

Matt 25:40
"For whatever you did to the least of these, you did to me."

It never ceases to confound me that sorting through shoes, vacuuming, making soup, setting a table, and picking up trash at the beach is serving Jesus. Jesus, as fully God, needs nothing (especially from us!). But somehow takes on the needs, the sins, the concerns and the desires of the world. And miraculously by doing what Jesus did we continue his ministry and continue to share. Who am I?

Wow...

In class, play and work I have been humbled, that's a good week.

Lighten Up

After looking at my last few posts I think I need to chill out a little bit.
Smell the roses, bask in the sun... you know lighten up.

So here are a few thoughts so you don't worry about my well-being or psychological stability.

In light of this, I think I'll reply to the "that's another blog for another time" comment made:

Senior year of high school I was involved with the Christian Club at Los Alamitos High. I don't keep it a secret that I have been called to ministry, but I don't think the world would be better off ruled solely by women. So the leaders of the Christian Club and I got together and we all agreed to find some people who would be interested in coming to our meeting and teach. I don't really remember the days or weeks in-between. But somehow I got in a one-on-one Church-off with a freshman who thought he knew a lot. He is a very devout man of faith. He takes his faith, relationship with God and relationships with other people very seriously... He thought he needed to make it clear that "I permit no woman to have authority..." (1Tim2:10)
The funny thing is that at that point in my life I had no idea people actually thought women should not serve as leaders and pastors in the Church. I got defensive and said, "what does that have to do with inviting my youth director to teach" (who actually was male, although this young man assumed I wanted to bring in a woman)?
His response: "You're just a charismatic, experiential feminist." So there!

Feminist--yes, in a moderate social sense of the term. I believe man and woman were created beautifully equal and unique. And I believe the commissioning Jesus gave to the disciples is for every follower of Christ. I believe that any structure set up to protect, teach and care for any group of men and women can only begin to function well with a balanced representation of both men and women at the helm.

Charismatic--I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe there are times where the Spirit given by Jesus Christ meets us in the broken, lost, angry, wordless and void places we run into in life. As revealed by the Word of God.

Experiential--I have faith and hope because I have experienced the real presence of Jesus Christ in my life. As revealed by the Word of God.

(I know, how very Presbyterian of me, get over it--I had to a long time ago).


But the implication that I was a crazy woman who made decisions based solely on feelings is FAR from anything I am. Please, ask my mom, my sister, any of my friends, any of the guys I've dated, ANYONE... really.

I hope that I can actually become more Charismatic and Experiential in my life. I hope that I can grow to trust God and people more, and follow the possibilities ahead. I hope that I can feel more free to worship and adore my creator through different styles of expression and creativity. I hope that the Lord continues to reveal grace, truth, kindness, mercy, love and generosity to me so that I might know my Creator more intimately.


Just a few thoughts.

Love you all!

AGENDA:
(Picture: Dusty-grey and black typewriter… tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, clack, clack, tick tick, tick)
My car’s wheels need to be realigned.
Assignment 3b, 3 Continued and 4b… by midnight.
Sunday School in the morning. Nooma 008—Luggage.
The Bridge music…
Learn to hold my tongue…

Everyone has an agenda. From the tasks of the day to the way you understand God.
What’s the difference between belief and agenda?
Pisteuo (greek)—Faith, Belief, Trust.
Agenda—what I can do now to get what I want later.

Our ministries have an agenda. Let’s invite the community members to our “most awesomest” community picnic, welcome them, give them a name tag (try to learn their names), hand them a flyer with all the other “Church events” listed and hope and pray something stuck so that we can “save one more soul” or … … … “save our budget deficit.”

The way we should care for the marginalized
The way we should respond to the outcast
The way we should give to a hungry person, but what if they’re on drugs, I don’t want to give them money because maybe they’ll buy more drugs, or maybe a weapon…
The way we should vote
The schools our kids should be in
The way we should eat our meals, and who’s invited

And tonight…(more or less) “Are you going to continue pursuing ordination with all the things that are happening now in our Church? I am just not very happy with the things that are happening because if we allow homosexuals to come in and have authority, teaching, mentoring, counseling, and breaking this bread before us, well they’ll try to get us all on their side. They’ll just try to push their own agenda. I’m okay accepting them into our churches and praying for their sins. I just think we need boundaries.”

Can the PC(USA) have more boundaries?!!! We have a statement, a rule, and a committee for everything. From the “proper” way to administer sacraments to the “proper” way for a small group of people to gather together as a response to the mysterious and wonderful work of Jesus Christ, God Almighty and the Holy Spirit.

What is more tragic. Examining and allowing another broken person, who doesn’t have their life together, who seeks God, asks for forgiveness and has a community of believers who support them, taking a risk by stepping into a position of scrutiny and ridicule by the grace of God?

Or an entire community of people spread over hundreds of thousands of miles who hate one another because “you just don’t understand” or “you aren’t filled with the Holy Spirit” or “The Word of God strictly says________”

... Or was that my grandmother? My sister, or my father who has given up everything so that I would be safe, educated and happy? Who has given up promotions for me? Who has stayed up all night because I wasn’t feeling well because they love me so much? My pastor who prayed over people and they were healed?



Or our Lord, who said “It is finished.”

Missed the Point?

So here it is, shuffle, shuffle, scrape, thud, tap-tap… the soap box, I’m pulling it out again. Most of you know this in person, but I’ll give her a try in black and white (or light blue). PS: it's a pretty long one. I know, I know-- short and sweet is always better... I'll have to keep working on that.

Okay, so yes I’m single. Yes I do often wish I had the companionship of a man, but I ask myself more and more at what cost?

My parents were married “later” (that is 28 and 34—which is really at most 10 years from now for me). Not that “late.” They have a beautiful, strong, balanced, loving and generous marriage and my sister and I have had comfortable, encouraging and happy lives because they were able to provide all of that for us. So in High School I believed “yeah I’ll probably not get married until I’m in my late 20’s too. I have to first get ordained and actually live my life (outside of being a student) and meet some real men.” Then I went to “Ring-by-Spring, Mrs. Degree” Point Loma. And the engagements came; the bridal showers came, the wishful thinking, the “dream weddings,” the drama, the bridezilla’s and the broken hearts came. Some marriages have been going strong and happy for a number of years; some ended up in broken engagements and within a few years a beautiful wedding with another person. Some ended up in ugly divorce--hush-hush between the rolling hum of the pipe organ at Church.

So call me a pessimist. Call me depressed. Call me melancholy. Call me a troublemaker. Call me what you want (because it’s unlikely it will ever beat “Charismatic Experiential Feminist” (Irony: for another blog)).

So if you’re a romantic. If you love, love for the sake of the butterflies and rainbows don’t bother reading on. But if you’ve actually thought twice or asked yourself “what’s so great about marriage?” Then tarry, get your feet wet. Muse with me.

Is “IT” really that great? (Thanks Jen for starting this… hope you don’t mind me stealing it). Okay, so maybe it is, I still have only been given part of the story so bear with me... So if it really is, at what cost? What are we really getting ourselves into when we say, “I do.” It’s not a “sex license.” Really, it’s not even in the fine print. Aren’t there always TWO sides to a coin?
If I get married then I’ll never be lonely again.
If I get married I’ll always have someone to talk to.
If I get married someone will understand.
If I get married then I won’t have to worry about being taken advantage of again.
If I get married we’ll have kids, and a puppy and a white picket fence, and be on the PTA, and go trick-or-treating, and have slumber parties and… and… and…

What does the other side of the coin look like?
If I get married I’ll never have privacy.
If I get married I’ll never get time to just think.
If I get married we’ll probably have kids, what if…
If I get married I might have to sign divorce papers, divide our stuff, our lives, our families, our future, our time, our hearts.

While I am single: Sometimes, maybe even a little bit all the time I feel lonely.
But, if a friend calls I can pick up a sweater and walk out the door. I don’t have to call for a sitter, ask permission or explain the situation to anyone. I can share my things with anyone. I can share my thoughts, desires and my dreams with someone young or someone old—I haven’t already given most of my time to one other person. I can sit in a coffee shop all night—watching people, meeting people, enjoying a perfectly prepared latte.
Decisions made can be influenced equally by myself, my best friend(s), my family and whoever else walks into the situation. It’s not a yours-and-mine equation. Yes sometimes an embrace, a glance will ignite something deep within that has never been touched before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to satisfy those flames. But, at least I know they’re there; there’s something still mysterious about myself that I don’t even know, that no one but the one who created me knows.

I am not exceptionally intelligent, kind, beautiful, generous, loving, funny or humble.
If I were exceptionally intelligent I would make a lot of money.
If I were exceptionally kind I would be living in another country feeding hungry people.
If I were exceptionally beautiful I would have my face in magazines.
If I were exceptionally generous I might have more friends.
If I were exceptionally loving I would hurt no one.
If I were exceptionally funny I would be on TV.
If I were exceptionally humble… that one’s up to God.

We have been misled. Who pulled the wool over my eyes? Who has let me wear these fuchsia glasses thinking that the images beyond will seem more alluring? Who am I to say “that’ll never be me.”

We confound ourselves by saying “all the pretty girls… or all the funny guys… or all the tall guys…” Or whatever phrase you chose to throw in there to say that it's something less than a miracle that two people can actually meet, enjoy each other so much that they CHOSE to take on the risk of having everything torn apart (when you bring two things together the other side is that it will be TORN apart). It’s a choice. You chose to take the next step, regardless of what may come. You don’t get married because “I’m crazy about him” or “She’s just so perfect” or “I just love you so much”
You marry because you have found someone who leads you closer to Christ so that without this other you more dimly follow your first love. That if you were to part, your pursuit of the Lord changes (not necessarily leaves you but it is inevitably different). Your lives have met in such a way that the Christ in me is more brilliant when you're around and the Christ in you is more Christ-like when I'm around. If you marry the direction in life you take is that of Christ. NOT of a four bedroom, three bath, with three kids, a trust fund and a Labrador. If the Lord blesses you with Children you are to raise them to know and love God. If you are blessed with a house, you are to open those doors to someone who may not have as much. If you are blessed with a trust fund, use it to the glory of God. If you are blessed with a Labrador, the Lord will teach you humility.

I’m not perfect, I'm not even close. Ask my closest friends and my parents. Believe me they have plenty of stories. I’m not looking for the perfect man. I’m just interested in finding people—man, woman, child—who by the grace of God bring life to Christ in our midst. People who are made alive in Christ.

I am blessed to know many of these children of God. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you. Maybe some day for some crazy unknown reason a man will come into my life and God wants to use us together. Not because either of us have anything exceptional to offer, but that together Christ is more beautiful. Until then, I’ll keep working on trying to follow today, tomorrow, next week, when I’m 50 and when I’m 87.

And by the grace of our Lord this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Feelings...

I always love the joke that comes up when you’re hanging out with friends, and you feel as if you’re in a psychiatrist’s chair instead “and how did that make you feel?”

Overwhelmed :: Neglected :: Irritated :: Lonely :: Excited :: Defeated :: Weak ::Courageous

How can one day be filled with so much?! What the heck! (PS: I haven’t done anything I really should have either, no reading, no homework… oh my goodness).

Can’t we just have a day where you are really “good.” That’s what you tell everyone, right?

Like today when I met with my Presbyterian Liaison, Jeff, saw Werner at Church, met with Brittany, or had dinner with Dale. How’s it going? “Great!” I reply confidently. Some I share more with than others, and obviously if you know me I really am feeling “great” (for the most part) but troubled by other things that never really leave the cloud above. Kind of like Eeyore’s overhead rain cloud, just for him and his thoughts alone. Except I can never really leave my rain clouds to myself, I usually let them splash and drip on others too (or you just get to step in the muddy ground I tend to leave behind—I’m sorry). I just can’t handle getting wet alone.


You can’t change other people; you can only change the way you react to each situation.

Devotional life… leaves us both wanting something more…

Where is the Church going? Part of me recognizes this call, but would it be best lived out in Friday Night Dinners? I love to cook and feed people and talk about the Lord. Why can’t I just do this? You’re invited. I will be ordained, but is it just for my own pride?




Oh the secrets of my heart
The places you desire me to go
I will to follow in Your way
I love to see Your face
I need Your help to have faith

Fear and doubt in me
You use us wherever we are
Surely you are greater than
My insecurities

I feel like Moses,
Barely able to get two words out right
Where’s Aaron and Miriam?
How the heck did he do that?
… … …

On the outside I seem strong
I’m on my way
Put together with a four-year-plan
Inside I tremble with fear
Rejection, hurt—not just of me
But the power I hold, what I can do to you
What I have done I cannot repair
Almost paralyzed by that which I do not know
Not quite totally paralyzed though
I keep moving forward
Stepping out into the unknown
The Word as my comfort and guide
With the bruises I bear
I remember I’m not alone
You too walk beside me
And you, my friend, you hear
The voice of hope we cling to
Together, can we see?
Can we hear?



(PS: I don’t know how I ever turn in actual papers. I’m lucky if I can even finish a paragraph on the same subject!)

Muddy Waters

8 of us went to Kern river this week.

We camped.

And we went down the rapids, well level 1-3...

White water rafting and kayaking... what a blast :)

We started out nice and easy with the 5 person yellow raft, afloat on the chocolate river (thanks to the summer thunder storms that resulted in a couple of flash floods to color the water we rafted on!)

First you're suited up with the generic, community-shared, once-was-bright orange life-vest that's cinched around your chest so you can almost breathe, just in case. Then you're handed a paddle... 

Hop on to the 32 passenger old school bus and you drive about 3 miles up the road where you drop in. 

You're given vague instructions that you don't quite understand until you're waist-deep in swirly-brown-cocoa-foamed river water.  

"Don't stand up in the boat" 

"If you fall out, don't go down the river head first"

"California-lounge-position"

"Hump-and-shuffle" ("but, don't tell our boss you learned this from us")...

"Lock your feet"

"If you're going to tip, lean to the up side"

"To turn right paddle on the left, to turn left paddle on the right"

etc. 

And we're off... There's no brake, no stop button, no anchor... 

Just you... some inflated plastic... a life vest... paddle... and our raft-guides

Travis tried to pick on Joe... he was thrown in about 8 (thousand) times.

Bob only escaped a good dunking because he was bigger and stronger than the rest of us, so he pushed me in... 

We soared down the rapids... again and again... 

Five different rapids, levels 1-3... not too shabby.

We first got in the water on Monday and it went about 705 cfs (Cubic feet per second... explained like this "imagine there are 705, 60 lbs basketballs, they all move a foot every second) by this morning, after another storm yesterday it was going over 1000 cfs---BOOYAH!

Naturally after we went down twice on the big 5-person rafts we all believed we were pro's and moved up to kayak-status (and that's what Curtis booked for us, consequentially).  

Twisting and turning between the pockets and rocks, spinning around in the churning rapids, splashing and laughing, dunking and diving... I think all in all this was an awesome trip.  The greatest thing is that the water is never the same twice, it can sink or rise, roar or quiet to a trickle.  Each ride is a new adventure waiting.  

(And our only casualties were: Sarah got her finger bumped with a paddle, I sliced my finger while warming our tortillas (be careful tortillas are sharp apparently), Spencer and Sean scraped up their shins while exploring along the riverbank,  and our guide lost his glasses)

I would totally do it again.  Can we please?

BOOYAH :)

Reaism or Pessimism

So, I have this tendency to try and protect myself by examining every situation closely in order that I might figure out where I fit and how to proceed.  

Let's start with an easy one for instance: Greek.  What do I know for sure?  I'm not dumb, the bible is good stuff and learning greek is helpful in learning more and understanding more deeply, my professor is intelligent and skilled, I have homework assignments and quizzes.  My performance on tests and quizzes will determine my grade which will be a reflection of my work.  Therefore whatever grade I get is a direct result of the work I put into learning the subject.  I think I may get a C this quarter.   (update: true...)

Moving into less-charted-territory: Family.  What do I know for sure?  They love me and I love them.  We all have different personalities.  We all like different things.  We all have faith in an amazing God.  We all have had experiences that have formed us to be who we are.  Chrissie and I do not know anyone else in our family intimately.  My parents have a strong and loving relationship.  We disagree over many issues and topics.  Because we are so different I know that I will learn a lot from each person and be encouraged by them because of their love.  But I also know that there is potential for pain because of that hope, faith and trust that is placed in that history and love.  Therefore I risk being hurt in order to grow closer to them, learn and be blessed by them.  How much do I risk?  How much am I willing to put on the line for the unknown?  Will we ever grow much closer when we disagree on so much and have had such different life experiences?  

Dare I forge a thought into the outer-galaxies of the XY chromosome?  

What do I know for sure?  You like me... well at least today you do.  You think I'm beautiful... until you see I haven't shaved in days.  We have a good time together and with other friends... will this change if one of us gets hurt?  We both have issues, insecurities and marred pasts... and gratitude for grace received from the Lord... can I receive grace from you and will you receive grace from me?   (update: status: single... what can I say)

I hardly even know where to go with that one.  

Thank the Lord, I don't have to figure it out by my own abilities.

Thank you Lord for giving us friends and family that care deeply.  

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.  May he make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you.  The Lord lift up his countenance on you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

SEVEN

The number seven is my favorite number.  I was born on the 7th of January, the same day as my grandmother.  There are seven days in a week--biblical completion.  Seven years old seemed to be a pretty amazing age.  

Today we begin week Seven of the third quarter of my studies at Fuller.  

Somehow the seventh week lacks the same grandeur the other 7's possess.  

Some things to brighten the week: 

        Mother's Day :)  Mom's rock!

Tammy's Birthday and consequential Celebratory Activities

        My midterms will be over (after Monday at 5)

The list of things to do is slowly getting done

But now I have to get back to studying for Pentateuch.

Funny thing I did this weekend: I left my Genesis book at Amanda's, then she brought it to me at the Corner Bakery where I left it after meeting with Erica.  I think I secretly was totally through with that one.  Sad story, eh?

Happy Mother's Day :)

fear

We all have fears.

Some come and go as we age, experience life and change environments.

Others become our darkest anchors that keep us from forging the seas of life.

As a child I believe I feared little.  I crawled out of the crib at 16 or 18 months old...I didn't really have a plan, but I knew I wanted out.  I loved animals, climbing trees and stuck just about anything in my mouth to check it out (sorry mom!).  

As I grew and became more sensitive to the world around me, fear became a more real experience.  I remember in elementary school having this recurring nightmare (probably linked to some nickelodeon game-show or the movie Hook) that I was locked in a chair, surrounded by my friends and family who proceeded to laugh and throw food and colorful goop at me.  Do you like me?  My fear of rejection and loneliness became a sub-conscious reality in life.  

Not unlike anyone I know, this fear of rejection continued through Jr. High and High School where circumstances rarely countered my deep fears.  Socially I was in the "uncool" group and in Jr. High there's not a whole lot you can do to get out of that once you've been labeled.  

So instead of trying to fight it I went to the place where I was accepted and nurtured among peers (because at that point peers were all that mattered)--Church.  What is the role of the church?  Is the church just a psycho-social crutch to make people feel okay about being uncool or lame?  What does God think about the people who are cool?  Where do we all fit in and how do we make this work?  Who am I truly, in God?

By going to Church through this time in my life, I now know, that it wasn't good just because I had a few friends there.  It was an enriching, life-changing, strengthening, humbling and beautiful time because of the depth and width and height of the God of all creation, and the people who are found in God.  

I was reminded today by a friend that God is so much bigger than our fears, questions, perspective, deepest desires and ability to comprehend.  ~amen

So, I don't share about my fears of loneliness, rejection, failures and incompleteness because I want you to say "oh poor baby," but I share because I know you're there with me.  I know when I had to say goodbye to my grandma yesterday that she cried out in fear of being left alone, or with strangers.  She has lost the capacity to understand and comprehend the greater picture and all she sees in dementia is the immediate fracture of security and comfort when we leave.  Or the phone call my friend got at church by a disabled member who's heart was hurting because he felt all alone.  It is humbling to realize my deepest fears and sensitivities are no different from these people.  Society tries to push them aside and say they are not normal, but they are as human as I.  

We all have broken hearts.  We all long to be deeply loved and connected with another.  

From Isaiah 62 (The Message)

"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God.  You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.  No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined.  You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights n you and your land will be like a wedding celebration."

Out with Grandpa

Visiting with my grandpa can easily be a kick in the pants. My friends like to call him “the General” (because he was a Lieutenant Colonel during WWII under General McArthur). He is an amazing man who loves his family, knows more about plants than anyone I know (or 10 people combined) and has more little sayings than I will ever know!

Today I came over and we went to lunch together. He likes to go to Bean Town because the sandwiches are so good. So we sat there sharing our lunch together- turkey on wheat with diet coke and some lays potato chips. Although he’s 90 years old he is still pretty sharp and when two young girls (about 16 years old) walked in he noticed how tight their pants were…this is what he said...

He leans in to tell me “you know what Gerald (my uncle, his youngest and only son) would say about those girls’ tight pants?”
Knowing what he is capable of saying I hesitantly said, “what, grandpa?”
“If she farted she would blow her shoes off.”

So Good, mmmm, so good.

We then went down to look at the Wisteria vines at the Fire Station. The soft sweet smell of the flowers filled the air. I watched as he cupped a bundle in his hand and smelled them; I wish I had a camera with me.

I love that he still takes joy and pleasure in the sweet aroma of a flower and the savor of lunch with his granddaughter.

I think often about my aging, fragile grandparents and the reality that they will be gone very soon. And my parents and I will only follow in their footsteps if the Lord is generous in our days together. It is very sad to watch them lose ability to care for themselves, remember what day it is, know where they are and sometimes who we are. And every one of them has responded differently to this tragic, scary transition in their life. I wonder how to honor them in their old age—to respect them, their wisdom and experience. Whenever I think of children emerging into adolescence and adulthood I think of aging adults moving into seniority because the transitions are hard, responsibilities and abilities change and you are treated differently by society at large.

Lord, forgive me (and us as “postmodern” society and particularly the Church) for being so self-centered and proud to think that value is found in productivity, prominence and agility. Lord, you seek what is just and pure of heart. Lead me to consider and reach out for these things. Help me to find beauty, peace and joy in the small blessings of life, like lunch with grandpa, a smile, sweet wisteria, a cool breeze and each breath. ~amen

Walking

So my tire went flat last night driving home on the 57 from having dinner with my sister, Justice. Today I had it replaced along with an oil change.

My favorite part was the walk.

I walked from the auto shop to school and back. Colorado Blvd is not a new route for me to take, however I'm usually not on foot. I'm usually closed into my little Corolla, Myrtle. We'll listen to the radio or whatever CD I have in the player. Most of the time I sing along and take in what's around me. The problem with this is that I can't hear anything outside her aerodynamic walls. I am completely isolated from the world around me (less a California-friendly honk to keep things moving along).

Today's most notable observations were the number of languages I encountered. Five, yes, that's correct. Five different languages in the span of about one hour! Isn't that amazing? Two girls talking together outside PCC, a guy on his cell phone walking behind me from the Fuller Coffee shop, the owner of Tops speaking to a couple of guys on the patio, two gentlemen holding a conversation at a stop light and all us English-speaking people. Really, spanning from English speakers to the Middle-East, Central and South America across the Pacific to Asia.

I traveled the world, and only went about 3 miles.

What a wonderful day.

Now I am going to get really crazy and do my greek homework.

And if I go to Bean Town I will probably run into Harry and Sarkis who are from Lebanon.

I really like living in Southern California! What a blessing.

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I washed my car...not the outside, but the inside upholstery. That felt good.
Today I continue by cleaning the house. First you sweep, then shove all the furniture into the smallest amount of space so that you can vacuum the most floorspace. Mopped the kitchen and bathroom...and on and on. Grout might be one of my favorite parts...from grunge to white with a little bit of bleach and elbow grease.
I also did some gardening...uprooted a bunch of weeds and potted my roses because the gardeners keep weed-waking-decapitating them.

Spring cleaning definitely includes these kind of chores, sometimes a garage sale is the grand finale. Sometimes it's enough to know you can eat off the floors.

But my spring cleaning will not result in a garage sale, I'll actually be losing some money in the end...I'm quitting my job at Bean Town. I love Bean Town, I really respect the owner, and I think some of the employees are wonderful. Last week was the first week I thought of quitting and through an inventory since then I have found that the things that make my time there difficult to intolerable I just can't change. So the only option is for me to leave.

So, so-long Bean Town. I will visit you. I haven't gone far, I'm just doing what I have to do.

Don't be forlorn...this is hardly the end of the story!

Things that I will have freedom to do since I no longer work at BTUSA
1) Music: I will have more free time to practice, and (maybe) write.
2) Gym: I know I hate exercising but I also know it's good for me. Maybe this will help motivate me (no more excuses).
3) Homework: Surprise, surprise...yeah I know it's not my forte but there's a chance I'll be less stressed by work and I'll have free time to read.

Cheers to Bean Town
Best wishes to you my friends
Call me if you need me
Besos~

For Starters

Let's start at the very beginning.

I was called to ministry, or what I have recognized as a call to ministry, when I was 14 at Forest Home. I sing and play guitar and I love to use these gifts to lead people in worship. I think Jr. Highers are the most interesting people on the face of the earth and I want them to know they are valued.

So here I am, 10 years after this "call" finally at Seminary where I'm going to "learn how to be a pastor"...we'll see

I started in September--dove right in.
Quarter 2 is almost over (10 days guys, we're gonna rock this!)

What do I hope to get out of this $40,000+ investment?
I hope to gain some networking resources for a job
I hope to build deeper friendships that will push me closer to God and challenge me to live fully, love generously and be humble.
I hope to have some resources in order to articulate the complexifications of the Bible and life...and a heart to know when there's just no answer.
I hope to have more hope

What's so hard about Seminary?
The unanswerable questions...
"What/Who is/are the Church?"
"What authority does the Bible have, and how do we hold it together?"
"What do I have to give?"
"What's the point?"
etc. etc. etc. (more to follow)


Other goals and desires
I want to speak Spanish fluently
I want to learn to play Cello
I want to play my guitar more
I want to be a better friend
I wan to be more whole
I want to be more familiar with the Bible
I want to eat more vegetables
I want to travel and see the world

I suppose these are the things people think about mostly during New Years, they're always changing and growing in my mind. We are coming up on the end of the Lenten season...I could have used that time to devote to at least one of these disciplines but I blew that. I still have a long way to go, but my greatest comfort is that I am not alone.

Come, walk with me. Talk with me. Share with me your hopes and dreams. Teach me because you are beautiful and you have so much to give. We're in this together, thank God.

well...I'm still learning this whole blogging thing. I'll keep working on it for your reading pleasure and my sharing skills.

Peace