Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I always love the joke that comes up when you’re hanging out with friends, and you feel as if you’re in a psychiatrist’s chair instead “and how did that make you feel?”

Overwhelmed :: Neglected :: Irritated :: Lonely :: Excited :: Defeated :: Weak ::Courageous

How can one day be filled with so much?! What the heck! (PS: I haven’t done anything I really should have either, no reading, no homework… oh my goodness).

Can’t we just have a day where you are really “good.” That’s what you tell everyone, right?

Like today when I met with my Presbyterian Liaison, Jeff, saw Werner at Church, met with Brittany, or had dinner with Dale. How’s it going? “Great!” I reply confidently. Some I share more with than others, and obviously if you know me I really am feeling “great” (for the most part) but troubled by other things that never really leave the cloud above. Kind of like Eeyore’s overhead rain cloud, just for him and his thoughts alone. Except I can never really leave my rain clouds to myself, I usually let them splash and drip on others too (or you just get to step in the muddy ground I tend to leave behind—I’m sorry). I just can’t handle getting wet alone.

You can’t change other people; you can only change the way you react to each situation.

Devotional life… leaves us both wanting something more…

Where is the Church going? Part of me recognizes this call, but would it be best lived out in Friday Night Dinners? I love to cook and feed people and talk about the Lord. Why can’t I just do this? You’re invited. I will be ordained, but is it just for my own pride?

Oh the secrets of my heart
The places you desire me to go
I will to follow in Your way
I love to see Your face
I need Your help to have faith

Fear and doubt in me
You use us wherever we are
Surely you are greater than
My insecurities

I feel like Moses,
Barely able to get two words out right
Where’s Aaron and Miriam?
How the heck did he do that?
… … …

On the outside I seem strong
I’m on my way
Put together with a four-year-plan
Inside I tremble with fear
Rejection, hurt—not just of me
But the power I hold, what I can do to you
What I have done I cannot repair
Almost paralyzed by that which I do not know
Not quite totally paralyzed though
I keep moving forward
Stepping out into the unknown
The Word as my comfort and guide
With the bruises I bear
I remember I’m not alone
You too walk beside me
And you, my friend, you hear
The voice of hope we cling to
Together, can we see?
Can we hear?

(PS: I don’t know how I ever turn in actual papers. I’m lucky if I can even finish a paragraph on the same subject!)

1 comment:

Mel said...

Haphazard is okay by me! I don't say this often enough, so I'm praying for you, hun--praying that you will have moments of ecstatic joy in the midst of your days. Part of community is being willing to hold the umbrella when the cloud isn't following you;)

Luv ya!