Missed the Point?

So here it is, shuffle, shuffle, scrape, thud, tap-tap… the soap box, I’m pulling it out again. Most of you know this in person, but I’ll give her a try in black and white (or light blue). PS: it's a pretty long one. I know, I know-- short and sweet is always better... I'll have to keep working on that.

Okay, so yes I’m single. Yes I do often wish I had the companionship of a man, but I ask myself more and more at what cost?

My parents were married “later” (that is 28 and 34—which is really at most 10 years from now for me). Not that “late.” They have a beautiful, strong, balanced, loving and generous marriage and my sister and I have had comfortable, encouraging and happy lives because they were able to provide all of that for us. So in High School I believed “yeah I’ll probably not get married until I’m in my late 20’s too. I have to first get ordained and actually live my life (outside of being a student) and meet some real men.” Then I went to “Ring-by-Spring, Mrs. Degree” Point Loma. And the engagements came; the bridal showers came, the wishful thinking, the “dream weddings,” the drama, the bridezilla’s and the broken hearts came. Some marriages have been going strong and happy for a number of years; some ended up in broken engagements and within a few years a beautiful wedding with another person. Some ended up in ugly divorce--hush-hush between the rolling hum of the pipe organ at Church.

So call me a pessimist. Call me depressed. Call me melancholy. Call me a troublemaker. Call me what you want (because it’s unlikely it will ever beat “Charismatic Experiential Feminist” (Irony: for another blog)).

So if you’re a romantic. If you love, love for the sake of the butterflies and rainbows don’t bother reading on. But if you’ve actually thought twice or asked yourself “what’s so great about marriage?” Then tarry, get your feet wet. Muse with me.

Is “IT” really that great? (Thanks Jen for starting this… hope you don’t mind me stealing it). Okay, so maybe it is, I still have only been given part of the story so bear with me... So if it really is, at what cost? What are we really getting ourselves into when we say, “I do.” It’s not a “sex license.” Really, it’s not even in the fine print. Aren’t there always TWO sides to a coin?
If I get married then I’ll never be lonely again.
If I get married I’ll always have someone to talk to.
If I get married someone will understand.
If I get married then I won’t have to worry about being taken advantage of again.
If I get married we’ll have kids, and a puppy and a white picket fence, and be on the PTA, and go trick-or-treating, and have slumber parties and… and… and…

What does the other side of the coin look like?
If I get married I’ll never have privacy.
If I get married I’ll never get time to just think.
If I get married we’ll probably have kids, what if…
If I get married I might have to sign divorce papers, divide our stuff, our lives, our families, our future, our time, our hearts.

While I am single: Sometimes, maybe even a little bit all the time I feel lonely.
But, if a friend calls I can pick up a sweater and walk out the door. I don’t have to call for a sitter, ask permission or explain the situation to anyone. I can share my things with anyone. I can share my thoughts, desires and my dreams with someone young or someone old—I haven’t already given most of my time to one other person. I can sit in a coffee shop all night—watching people, meeting people, enjoying a perfectly prepared latte.
Decisions made can be influenced equally by myself, my best friend(s), my family and whoever else walks into the situation. It’s not a yours-and-mine equation. Yes sometimes an embrace, a glance will ignite something deep within that has never been touched before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to satisfy those flames. But, at least I know they’re there; there’s something still mysterious about myself that I don’t even know, that no one but the one who created me knows.

I am not exceptionally intelligent, kind, beautiful, generous, loving, funny or humble.
If I were exceptionally intelligent I would make a lot of money.
If I were exceptionally kind I would be living in another country feeding hungry people.
If I were exceptionally beautiful I would have my face in magazines.
If I were exceptionally generous I might have more friends.
If I were exceptionally loving I would hurt no one.
If I were exceptionally funny I would be on TV.
If I were exceptionally humble… that one’s up to God.

We have been misled. Who pulled the wool over my eyes? Who has let me wear these fuchsia glasses thinking that the images beyond will seem more alluring? Who am I to say “that’ll never be me.”

We confound ourselves by saying “all the pretty girls… or all the funny guys… or all the tall guys…” Or whatever phrase you chose to throw in there to say that it's something less than a miracle that two people can actually meet, enjoy each other so much that they CHOSE to take on the risk of having everything torn apart (when you bring two things together the other side is that it will be TORN apart). It’s a choice. You chose to take the next step, regardless of what may come. You don’t get married because “I’m crazy about him” or “She’s just so perfect” or “I just love you so much”
You marry because you have found someone who leads you closer to Christ so that without this other you more dimly follow your first love. That if you were to part, your pursuit of the Lord changes (not necessarily leaves you but it is inevitably different). Your lives have met in such a way that the Christ in me is more brilliant when you're around and the Christ in you is more Christ-like when I'm around. If you marry the direction in life you take is that of Christ. NOT of a four bedroom, three bath, with three kids, a trust fund and a Labrador. If the Lord blesses you with Children you are to raise them to know and love God. If you are blessed with a house, you are to open those doors to someone who may not have as much. If you are blessed with a trust fund, use it to the glory of God. If you are blessed with a Labrador, the Lord will teach you humility.

I’m not perfect, I'm not even close. Ask my closest friends and my parents. Believe me they have plenty of stories. I’m not looking for the perfect man. I’m just interested in finding people—man, woman, child—who by the grace of God bring life to Christ in our midst. People who are made alive in Christ.

I am blessed to know many of these children of God. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you. Maybe some day for some crazy unknown reason a man will come into my life and God wants to use us together. Not because either of us have anything exceptional to offer, but that together Christ is more beautiful. Until then, I’ll keep working on trying to follow today, tomorrow, next week, when I’m 50 and when I’m 87.

And by the grace of our Lord this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Feelings...

I always love the joke that comes up when you’re hanging out with friends, and you feel as if you’re in a psychiatrist’s chair instead “and how did that make you feel?”

Overwhelmed :: Neglected :: Irritated :: Lonely :: Excited :: Defeated :: Weak ::Courageous

How can one day be filled with so much?! What the heck! (PS: I haven’t done anything I really should have either, no reading, no homework… oh my goodness).

Can’t we just have a day where you are really “good.” That’s what you tell everyone, right?

Like today when I met with my Presbyterian Liaison, Jeff, saw Werner at Church, met with Brittany, or had dinner with Dale. How’s it going? “Great!” I reply confidently. Some I share more with than others, and obviously if you know me I really am feeling “great” (for the most part) but troubled by other things that never really leave the cloud above. Kind of like Eeyore’s overhead rain cloud, just for him and his thoughts alone. Except I can never really leave my rain clouds to myself, I usually let them splash and drip on others too (or you just get to step in the muddy ground I tend to leave behind—I’m sorry). I just can’t handle getting wet alone.


You can’t change other people; you can only change the way you react to each situation.

Devotional life… leaves us both wanting something more…

Where is the Church going? Part of me recognizes this call, but would it be best lived out in Friday Night Dinners? I love to cook and feed people and talk about the Lord. Why can’t I just do this? You’re invited. I will be ordained, but is it just for my own pride?




Oh the secrets of my heart
The places you desire me to go
I will to follow in Your way
I love to see Your face
I need Your help to have faith

Fear and doubt in me
You use us wherever we are
Surely you are greater than
My insecurities

I feel like Moses,
Barely able to get two words out right
Where’s Aaron and Miriam?
How the heck did he do that?
… … …

On the outside I seem strong
I’m on my way
Put together with a four-year-plan
Inside I tremble with fear
Rejection, hurt—not just of me
But the power I hold, what I can do to you
What I have done I cannot repair
Almost paralyzed by that which I do not know
Not quite totally paralyzed though
I keep moving forward
Stepping out into the unknown
The Word as my comfort and guide
With the bruises I bear
I remember I’m not alone
You too walk beside me
And you, my friend, you hear
The voice of hope we cling to
Together, can we see?
Can we hear?



(PS: I don’t know how I ever turn in actual papers. I’m lucky if I can even finish a paragraph on the same subject!)

Muddy Waters

8 of us went to Kern river this week.

We camped.

And we went down the rapids, well level 1-3...

White water rafting and kayaking... what a blast :)

We started out nice and easy with the 5 person yellow raft, afloat on the chocolate river (thanks to the summer thunder storms that resulted in a couple of flash floods to color the water we rafted on!)

First you're suited up with the generic, community-shared, once-was-bright orange life-vest that's cinched around your chest so you can almost breathe, just in case. Then you're handed a paddle... 

Hop on to the 32 passenger old school bus and you drive about 3 miles up the road where you drop in. 

You're given vague instructions that you don't quite understand until you're waist-deep in swirly-brown-cocoa-foamed river water.  

"Don't stand up in the boat" 

"If you fall out, don't go down the river head first"

"California-lounge-position"

"Hump-and-shuffle" ("but, don't tell our boss you learned this from us")...

"Lock your feet"

"If you're going to tip, lean to the up side"

"To turn right paddle on the left, to turn left paddle on the right"

etc. 

And we're off... There's no brake, no stop button, no anchor... 

Just you... some inflated plastic... a life vest... paddle... and our raft-guides

Travis tried to pick on Joe... he was thrown in about 8 (thousand) times.

Bob only escaped a good dunking because he was bigger and stronger than the rest of us, so he pushed me in... 

We soared down the rapids... again and again... 

Five different rapids, levels 1-3... not too shabby.

We first got in the water on Monday and it went about 705 cfs (Cubic feet per second... explained like this "imagine there are 705, 60 lbs basketballs, they all move a foot every second) by this morning, after another storm yesterday it was going over 1000 cfs---BOOYAH!

Naturally after we went down twice on the big 5-person rafts we all believed we were pro's and moved up to kayak-status (and that's what Curtis booked for us, consequentially).  

Twisting and turning between the pockets and rocks, spinning around in the churning rapids, splashing and laughing, dunking and diving... I think all in all this was an awesome trip.  The greatest thing is that the water is never the same twice, it can sink or rise, roar or quiet to a trickle.  Each ride is a new adventure waiting.  

(And our only casualties were: Sarah got her finger bumped with a paddle, I sliced my finger while warming our tortillas (be careful tortillas are sharp apparently), Spencer and Sean scraped up their shins while exploring along the riverbank,  and our guide lost his glasses)

I would totally do it again.  Can we please?

BOOYAH :)