fear

We all have fears.

Some come and go as we age, experience life and change environments.

Others become our darkest anchors that keep us from forging the seas of life.

As a child I believe I feared little.  I crawled out of the crib at 16 or 18 months old...I didn't really have a plan, but I knew I wanted out.  I loved animals, climbing trees and stuck just about anything in my mouth to check it out (sorry mom!).  

As I grew and became more sensitive to the world around me, fear became a more real experience.  I remember in elementary school having this recurring nightmare (probably linked to some nickelodeon game-show or the movie Hook) that I was locked in a chair, surrounded by my friends and family who proceeded to laugh and throw food and colorful goop at me.  Do you like me?  My fear of rejection and loneliness became a sub-conscious reality in life.  

Not unlike anyone I know, this fear of rejection continued through Jr. High and High School where circumstances rarely countered my deep fears.  Socially I was in the "uncool" group and in Jr. High there's not a whole lot you can do to get out of that once you've been labeled.  

So instead of trying to fight it I went to the place where I was accepted and nurtured among peers (because at that point peers were all that mattered)--Church.  What is the role of the church?  Is the church just a psycho-social crutch to make people feel okay about being uncool or lame?  What does God think about the people who are cool?  Where do we all fit in and how do we make this work?  Who am I truly, in God?

By going to Church through this time in my life, I now know, that it wasn't good just because I had a few friends there.  It was an enriching, life-changing, strengthening, humbling and beautiful time because of the depth and width and height of the God of all creation, and the people who are found in God.  

I was reminded today by a friend that God is so much bigger than our fears, questions, perspective, deepest desires and ability to comprehend.  ~amen

So, I don't share about my fears of loneliness, rejection, failures and incompleteness because I want you to say "oh poor baby," but I share because I know you're there with me.  I know when I had to say goodbye to my grandma yesterday that she cried out in fear of being left alone, or with strangers.  She has lost the capacity to understand and comprehend the greater picture and all she sees in dementia is the immediate fracture of security and comfort when we leave.  Or the phone call my friend got at church by a disabled member who's heart was hurting because he felt all alone.  It is humbling to realize my deepest fears and sensitivities are no different from these people.  Society tries to push them aside and say they are not normal, but they are as human as I.  

We all have broken hearts.  We all long to be deeply loved and connected with another.  

From Isaiah 62 (The Message)

"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God.  You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.  No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined.  You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights n you and your land will be like a wedding celebration."

Out with Grandpa

Visiting with my grandpa can easily be a kick in the pants. My friends like to call him “the General” (because he was a Lieutenant Colonel during WWII under General McArthur). He is an amazing man who loves his family, knows more about plants than anyone I know (or 10 people combined) and has more little sayings than I will ever know!

Today I came over and we went to lunch together. He likes to go to Bean Town because the sandwiches are so good. So we sat there sharing our lunch together- turkey on wheat with diet coke and some lays potato chips. Although he’s 90 years old he is still pretty sharp and when two young girls (about 16 years old) walked in he noticed how tight their pants were…this is what he said...

He leans in to tell me “you know what Gerald (my uncle, his youngest and only son) would say about those girls’ tight pants?”
Knowing what he is capable of saying I hesitantly said, “what, grandpa?”
“If she farted she would blow her shoes off.”

So Good, mmmm, so good.

We then went down to look at the Wisteria vines at the Fire Station. The soft sweet smell of the flowers filled the air. I watched as he cupped a bundle in his hand and smelled them; I wish I had a camera with me.

I love that he still takes joy and pleasure in the sweet aroma of a flower and the savor of lunch with his granddaughter.

I think often about my aging, fragile grandparents and the reality that they will be gone very soon. And my parents and I will only follow in their footsteps if the Lord is generous in our days together. It is very sad to watch them lose ability to care for themselves, remember what day it is, know where they are and sometimes who we are. And every one of them has responded differently to this tragic, scary transition in their life. I wonder how to honor them in their old age—to respect them, their wisdom and experience. Whenever I think of children emerging into adolescence and adulthood I think of aging adults moving into seniority because the transitions are hard, responsibilities and abilities change and you are treated differently by society at large.

Lord, forgive me (and us as “postmodern” society and particularly the Church) for being so self-centered and proud to think that value is found in productivity, prominence and agility. Lord, you seek what is just and pure of heart. Lead me to consider and reach out for these things. Help me to find beauty, peace and joy in the small blessings of life, like lunch with grandpa, a smile, sweet wisteria, a cool breeze and each breath. ~amen

Walking

So my tire went flat last night driving home on the 57 from having dinner with my sister, Justice. Today I had it replaced along with an oil change.

My favorite part was the walk.

I walked from the auto shop to school and back. Colorado Blvd is not a new route for me to take, however I'm usually not on foot. I'm usually closed into my little Corolla, Myrtle. We'll listen to the radio or whatever CD I have in the player. Most of the time I sing along and take in what's around me. The problem with this is that I can't hear anything outside her aerodynamic walls. I am completely isolated from the world around me (less a California-friendly honk to keep things moving along).

Today's most notable observations were the number of languages I encountered. Five, yes, that's correct. Five different languages in the span of about one hour! Isn't that amazing? Two girls talking together outside PCC, a guy on his cell phone walking behind me from the Fuller Coffee shop, the owner of Tops speaking to a couple of guys on the patio, two gentlemen holding a conversation at a stop light and all us English-speaking people. Really, spanning from English speakers to the Middle-East, Central and South America across the Pacific to Asia.

I traveled the world, and only went about 3 miles.

What a wonderful day.

Now I am going to get really crazy and do my greek homework.

And if I go to Bean Town I will probably run into Harry and Sarkis who are from Lebanon.

I really like living in Southern California! What a blessing.