Reaism or Pessimism

So, I have this tendency to try and protect myself by examining every situation closely in order that I might figure out where I fit and how to proceed.  

Let's start with an easy one for instance: Greek.  What do I know for sure?  I'm not dumb, the bible is good stuff and learning greek is helpful in learning more and understanding more deeply, my professor is intelligent and skilled, I have homework assignments and quizzes.  My performance on tests and quizzes will determine my grade which will be a reflection of my work.  Therefore whatever grade I get is a direct result of the work I put into learning the subject.  I think I may get a C this quarter.   (update: true...)

Moving into less-charted-territory: Family.  What do I know for sure?  They love me and I love them.  We all have different personalities.  We all like different things.  We all have faith in an amazing God.  We all have had experiences that have formed us to be who we are.  Chrissie and I do not know anyone else in our family intimately.  My parents have a strong and loving relationship.  We disagree over many issues and topics.  Because we are so different I know that I will learn a lot from each person and be encouraged by them because of their love.  But I also know that there is potential for pain because of that hope, faith and trust that is placed in that history and love.  Therefore I risk being hurt in order to grow closer to them, learn and be blessed by them.  How much do I risk?  How much am I willing to put on the line for the unknown?  Will we ever grow much closer when we disagree on so much and have had such different life experiences?  

Dare I forge a thought into the outer-galaxies of the XY chromosome?  

What do I know for sure?  You like me... well at least today you do.  You think I'm beautiful... until you see I haven't shaved in days.  We have a good time together and with other friends... will this change if one of us gets hurt?  We both have issues, insecurities and marred pasts... and gratitude for grace received from the Lord... can I receive grace from you and will you receive grace from me?   (update: status: single... what can I say)

I hardly even know where to go with that one.  

Thank the Lord, I don't have to figure it out by my own abilities.

Thank you Lord for giving us friends and family that care deeply.  

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.  May he make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you.  The Lord lift up his countenance on you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

SEVEN

The number seven is my favorite number.  I was born on the 7th of January, the same day as my grandmother.  There are seven days in a week--biblical completion.  Seven years old seemed to be a pretty amazing age.  

Today we begin week Seven of the third quarter of my studies at Fuller.  

Somehow the seventh week lacks the same grandeur the other 7's possess.  

Some things to brighten the week: 

        Mother's Day :)  Mom's rock!

Tammy's Birthday and consequential Celebratory Activities

        My midterms will be over (after Monday at 5)

The list of things to do is slowly getting done

But now I have to get back to studying for Pentateuch.

Funny thing I did this weekend: I left my Genesis book at Amanda's, then she brought it to me at the Corner Bakery where I left it after meeting with Erica.  I think I secretly was totally through with that one.  Sad story, eh?

Happy Mother's Day :)

fear

We all have fears.

Some come and go as we age, experience life and change environments.

Others become our darkest anchors that keep us from forging the seas of life.

As a child I believe I feared little.  I crawled out of the crib at 16 or 18 months old...I didn't really have a plan, but I knew I wanted out.  I loved animals, climbing trees and stuck just about anything in my mouth to check it out (sorry mom!).  

As I grew and became more sensitive to the world around me, fear became a more real experience.  I remember in elementary school having this recurring nightmare (probably linked to some nickelodeon game-show or the movie Hook) that I was locked in a chair, surrounded by my friends and family who proceeded to laugh and throw food and colorful goop at me.  Do you like me?  My fear of rejection and loneliness became a sub-conscious reality in life.  

Not unlike anyone I know, this fear of rejection continued through Jr. High and High School where circumstances rarely countered my deep fears.  Socially I was in the "uncool" group and in Jr. High there's not a whole lot you can do to get out of that once you've been labeled.  

So instead of trying to fight it I went to the place where I was accepted and nurtured among peers (because at that point peers were all that mattered)--Church.  What is the role of the church?  Is the church just a psycho-social crutch to make people feel okay about being uncool or lame?  What does God think about the people who are cool?  Where do we all fit in and how do we make this work?  Who am I truly, in God?

By going to Church through this time in my life, I now know, that it wasn't good just because I had a few friends there.  It was an enriching, life-changing, strengthening, humbling and beautiful time because of the depth and width and height of the God of all creation, and the people who are found in God.  

I was reminded today by a friend that God is so much bigger than our fears, questions, perspective, deepest desires and ability to comprehend.  ~amen

So, I don't share about my fears of loneliness, rejection, failures and incompleteness because I want you to say "oh poor baby," but I share because I know you're there with me.  I know when I had to say goodbye to my grandma yesterday that she cried out in fear of being left alone, or with strangers.  She has lost the capacity to understand and comprehend the greater picture and all she sees in dementia is the immediate fracture of security and comfort when we leave.  Or the phone call my friend got at church by a disabled member who's heart was hurting because he felt all alone.  It is humbling to realize my deepest fears and sensitivities are no different from these people.  Society tries to push them aside and say they are not normal, but they are as human as I.  

We all have broken hearts.  We all long to be deeply loved and connected with another.  

From Isaiah 62 (The Message)

"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God.  You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.  No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined.  You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights n you and your land will be like a wedding celebration."

Out with Grandpa

Visiting with my grandpa can easily be a kick in the pants. My friends like to call him “the General” (because he was a Lieutenant Colonel during WWII under General McArthur). He is an amazing man who loves his family, knows more about plants than anyone I know (or 10 people combined) and has more little sayings than I will ever know!

Today I came over and we went to lunch together. He likes to go to Bean Town because the sandwiches are so good. So we sat there sharing our lunch together- turkey on wheat with diet coke and some lays potato chips. Although he’s 90 years old he is still pretty sharp and when two young girls (about 16 years old) walked in he noticed how tight their pants were…this is what he said...

He leans in to tell me “you know what Gerald (my uncle, his youngest and only son) would say about those girls’ tight pants?”
Knowing what he is capable of saying I hesitantly said, “what, grandpa?”
“If she farted she would blow her shoes off.”

So Good, mmmm, so good.

We then went down to look at the Wisteria vines at the Fire Station. The soft sweet smell of the flowers filled the air. I watched as he cupped a bundle in his hand and smelled them; I wish I had a camera with me.

I love that he still takes joy and pleasure in the sweet aroma of a flower and the savor of lunch with his granddaughter.

I think often about my aging, fragile grandparents and the reality that they will be gone very soon. And my parents and I will only follow in their footsteps if the Lord is generous in our days together. It is very sad to watch them lose ability to care for themselves, remember what day it is, know where they are and sometimes who we are. And every one of them has responded differently to this tragic, scary transition in their life. I wonder how to honor them in their old age—to respect them, their wisdom and experience. Whenever I think of children emerging into adolescence and adulthood I think of aging adults moving into seniority because the transitions are hard, responsibilities and abilities change and you are treated differently by society at large.

Lord, forgive me (and us as “postmodern” society and particularly the Church) for being so self-centered and proud to think that value is found in productivity, prominence and agility. Lord, you seek what is just and pure of heart. Lead me to consider and reach out for these things. Help me to find beauty, peace and joy in the small blessings of life, like lunch with grandpa, a smile, sweet wisteria, a cool breeze and each breath. ~amen

Walking

So my tire went flat last night driving home on the 57 from having dinner with my sister, Justice. Today I had it replaced along with an oil change.

My favorite part was the walk.

I walked from the auto shop to school and back. Colorado Blvd is not a new route for me to take, however I'm usually not on foot. I'm usually closed into my little Corolla, Myrtle. We'll listen to the radio or whatever CD I have in the player. Most of the time I sing along and take in what's around me. The problem with this is that I can't hear anything outside her aerodynamic walls. I am completely isolated from the world around me (less a California-friendly honk to keep things moving along).

Today's most notable observations were the number of languages I encountered. Five, yes, that's correct. Five different languages in the span of about one hour! Isn't that amazing? Two girls talking together outside PCC, a guy on his cell phone walking behind me from the Fuller Coffee shop, the owner of Tops speaking to a couple of guys on the patio, two gentlemen holding a conversation at a stop light and all us English-speaking people. Really, spanning from English speakers to the Middle-East, Central and South America across the Pacific to Asia.

I traveled the world, and only went about 3 miles.

What a wonderful day.

Now I am going to get really crazy and do my greek homework.

And if I go to Bean Town I will probably run into Harry and Sarkis who are from Lebanon.

I really like living in Southern California! What a blessing.

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I washed my car...not the outside, but the inside upholstery. That felt good.
Today I continue by cleaning the house. First you sweep, then shove all the furniture into the smallest amount of space so that you can vacuum the most floorspace. Mopped the kitchen and bathroom...and on and on. Grout might be one of my favorite parts...from grunge to white with a little bit of bleach and elbow grease.
I also did some gardening...uprooted a bunch of weeds and potted my roses because the gardeners keep weed-waking-decapitating them.

Spring cleaning definitely includes these kind of chores, sometimes a garage sale is the grand finale. Sometimes it's enough to know you can eat off the floors.

But my spring cleaning will not result in a garage sale, I'll actually be losing some money in the end...I'm quitting my job at Bean Town. I love Bean Town, I really respect the owner, and I think some of the employees are wonderful. Last week was the first week I thought of quitting and through an inventory since then I have found that the things that make my time there difficult to intolerable I just can't change. So the only option is for me to leave.

So, so-long Bean Town. I will visit you. I haven't gone far, I'm just doing what I have to do.

Don't be forlorn...this is hardly the end of the story!

Things that I will have freedom to do since I no longer work at BTUSA
1) Music: I will have more free time to practice, and (maybe) write.
2) Gym: I know I hate exercising but I also know it's good for me. Maybe this will help motivate me (no more excuses).
3) Homework: Surprise, surprise...yeah I know it's not my forte but there's a chance I'll be less stressed by work and I'll have free time to read.

Cheers to Bean Town
Best wishes to you my friends
Call me if you need me
Besos~

For Starters

Let's start at the very beginning.

I was called to ministry, or what I have recognized as a call to ministry, when I was 14 at Forest Home. I sing and play guitar and I love to use these gifts to lead people in worship. I think Jr. Highers are the most interesting people on the face of the earth and I want them to know they are valued.

So here I am, 10 years after this "call" finally at Seminary where I'm going to "learn how to be a pastor"...we'll see

I started in September--dove right in.
Quarter 2 is almost over (10 days guys, we're gonna rock this!)

What do I hope to get out of this $40,000+ investment?
I hope to gain some networking resources for a job
I hope to build deeper friendships that will push me closer to God and challenge me to live fully, love generously and be humble.
I hope to have some resources in order to articulate the complexifications of the Bible and life...and a heart to know when there's just no answer.
I hope to have more hope

What's so hard about Seminary?
The unanswerable questions...
"What/Who is/are the Church?"
"What authority does the Bible have, and how do we hold it together?"
"What do I have to give?"
"What's the point?"
etc. etc. etc. (more to follow)


Other goals and desires
I want to speak Spanish fluently
I want to learn to play Cello
I want to play my guitar more
I want to be a better friend
I wan to be more whole
I want to be more familiar with the Bible
I want to eat more vegetables
I want to travel and see the world

I suppose these are the things people think about mostly during New Years, they're always changing and growing in my mind. We are coming up on the end of the Lenten season...I could have used that time to devote to at least one of these disciplines but I blew that. I still have a long way to go, but my greatest comfort is that I am not alone.

Come, walk with me. Talk with me. Share with me your hopes and dreams. Teach me because you are beautiful and you have so much to give. We're in this together, thank God.

well...I'm still learning this whole blogging thing. I'll keep working on it for your reading pleasure and my sharing skills.

Peace