why seminary

"Why Seminary" is Over

2011-06-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, to those 2 of you who have read my blog occasionally over the past four years, today is a new beginning. Thank you for your friendships and camaraderie along the way.

Seeing as this blog was dedicated to my time in Seminary, and I have now graduated (Woo Hoo!!), it is time to move on.

As many of you know I will be moving to Hawaii, to begin a new residency position as a hospital chaplain. My new blog will be part of the new beginnings there, and beyond.

So if you're interested in keeping in touch, here's where you can find me:

chaplainknutz.tumblr.com

~Cheers

Transition with a Big God

2011-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks the day that Fuller Theological Seminary and First Presbyterian Hollywood (et. al.) have blessed me as a Theology Student and minister of the Gospel. We celebrated the Baccalaureate ceremony in Pasadena with a message from Dr. John Goldingay, one of my favorite OT professors, about the immensity and faithfulness of God. God is greater than the heavens and stands beside the oppressed and downtrodden.

This message seemed to be quite appropriate for myself as I transition out of a four-year master's degree program into a Hospital Chaplain residency program for one-year. I have overcome some of the greatest hurdles toward ordination, however when I was hearing the Word shared this morning I was reminded of the call I have to serve an immense God alongside the broken-hearted.

Over the past months I have experienced and found myself trusting in this incredible God that is higher than the heavens, using the earth as a footstool. I sent out extensive applications to 7 Residency programs, traveled from San Diego to Seattle and spent dozens of hours in interviews. Right off the bat I was offered a position, but I had hardly stepped out of the starting gate and knew I needed more time so I asked to be put on hold for that position as they continue hiring other applicants. I then flew up for a weekend to Portland and Seattle. The hospital I first interviewed at was warm and welcoming, full of life and traces of those who have spent short and long stays within those walls. Though, I felt divided and confused; I did not know wether to be terrified or peaceful. The interview overall went well, but I had no idea what the panel of 12 interviewers (yes thats me and 12 people asking me questions for one and a half hours) thought of me. So I prayed, hopped in my car and drove across town to my second interview for the day at a large institutional hospital. In short, I was not interested at all.

After a lovely two day stay with Jamie, an absolute stranger, (thanks to Fuller Seminary www.fuller.edu and the Windrider Forum www.windriderforum.org), I drove across the state line into Washington and was welcomed by another kind hearted and generous stranger, Becky. I interviewed half-heartedly but had a sense that the Pacific North West was not an area I was being prepared for. I returned home later that day and tried to process and remember all that had transpired. The greatest and most lasting impression were the kind hosts who welcomed me into their homes, took me out to dinner and shared their lives with me, even if for just a few days.

When I returned home I knew I had three hospitals left to hear from. I was looking forward to interviewing in San Diego where I spent four years in undergrad. The facility was top-notch, spectacular and breathtaking. I almost immediately fell in love with the location, started dreaming of spending more time with my sister and working with the staff at Sharp. The interview went well, and I was honest about my hopes. Two weeks later, I hadn't heard anything, I began to become anxious and told myself "one more day" just wait one more day to hear from them. So I waited 3 days and could hardly take it any longer, mostly because I figured no news was not good news. And so I was disappointed, I received a call back and a letter that day in the mail confirming that I had not been accepted into the program. That week I went through a great roller-coaster wondering what on earth I was going to do. I was sure I would not be accepted to one of the 2 left, and I still was not convinced I wanted to take up the first offer again. So to confront my anxiety I decided I would just go back to the start and look at my first option again, because I wanted to pursue Hospital Ministry and that was not a bad option, even if it just didn't seem the right option. I called back, they said "Sure we will review your application again, but it may be another six weeks before we can get back to you." Ouch! That was far from the reassuring stability I was longing for. Though, in a sense it did confirm my hesitation toward that program.

Then, out of the blue I received a call, a number and area code I did not recognize. It was from O'ahu, Hawai'i, they wanted to have a phone interview with me. Now, remember I turned in my applications the last week of January, at this point we were into May and since I hadn't heard anything and this hospital was a 5.5 hour flight away I had not invested a lot of thought into it. By the next week I was sitting in a little office at school, trying to find a quiet space to speak with the Supervisor for my interview. Our conversation was comfortable, though nothing remarkable. After an hour we said goodbye and I was encouraged that I would hear from her within the next 10 days. After waiting over 3 months, 10 days sounded fantastic! I asked to speak with a current resident to get a better idea of the program, since I was not able to actually interview on campus. She was kind and helpful in filling in some of the gaps, but also a local and older than myself so I still had many questions and anxieties. I left it to prayer and considered my options. I had no idea even if I'd be accepted.

Nine days later, while sitting in the library, I received a call from the supervisor. "Is this a good time?" she asked. I said, "yes, this is a fine time." (Though I was in the library surrounded by a couple of guys goofing off, I just couldn't wait). She had called to extend one of the residency positions to me for the 2011-2012 residency program. I was so excited, first just to hear good news, and second to consider a new and exciting opportunity. I had spent almost every day that week praying and conferring with friends about the possibility of moving half way across the Pacific Ocean to a remote island with an entire population smaller than any other geographical area I have lived. I was practically tortured with fear and excitement. So we prayed, I was with my incredible and loving small group and I asked "so what do you think?" The answer was probably written all over my face, but they lovingly walked me along the tightrope and commissioned me to the other side. I have never met any of the staff, walked on the grounds of the facility or lived that far from home. I had plenty of reasons to say "I don't think I can do that," but my friends for months have been encouraging me to step out in faith.

One of my greatest fears and disappointments of graduation and transition will be and is saying goodbye to friends that have stood beside me and loved me so generously over the past few years. I owe much of my strength, hope, health and heart to them as they have stood as Jesus' hands and feet with me in devotion and ministry. I could hardly bear to walk into a new environment with no sign of this kind of community, so I reached out to see if there was anyone there. Within hours I was greeted by 5 people and couples from the Island through a mutual friend whom I have not spoken with for 2 years! Wow! God is great! This was the little push that I needed to leap out in faith, across the vast blue ocean, to land in a foreign and strange (though breathtaking) land of O'ahu, Hawai'i.

So, I have the clutch in, I'm changing gears, moving forward, stepping out, and holding on to a great big God.

Isaiah 66
Thus says the LORD:
“Heaven is My throne,
And earth is My footstool.
Where is the house that you will build Me?
And where is the place of My rest?
For all those things My hand has made,
And all those things exist,”
Says the LORD.

“But on this one will I look:
On him who is poor and of a contrite spirit,
And who trembles at My word."

Goodbye

2011-05-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

A poem/song that has taken me over five years to find and finally express.

I loved how much you cared for me
Seeing things I could not see
Something different, something strange;
magnetic like but not the same
Sharing stories beside the sea
Your gentle smile washed over me
I never thought we’d say goodbye
Like a summer day with clear blue sky

Then came the day, in early spring
A call, some news, that angels sing
My ears went deaf, my gaze grew weak,
felt a sense of guilt, not peace
Back to life, I could not bring
I locked you up inside a ring
Teach me now, to say goodbye
For what I hear is just a lie

I am sad your days, they now are o’er
But each new day I see there’s more
No longer past but present too,
finding a way to remember you
You taught me love, you gave me grace
Keeping that in each new place
I’m ready now to say goodbye
To count the loss of one who died

[Tag]
Letting go of you, holding on to something new

(For Chace Ridder)

on sexuaity

2011-05-16T14:42:00.001-07:00

“The most enduring form of distorted sexuality is its decontextualisation from other aspects of life, and hence from the wholeness of personal responsibility, so that it ceases to be a part of an encounter between two whole human persons and therefore to be anything really personal at all. A purely sexual encounter is lived as though the genitals have a life independent from the rest of the person, capable of making their own peculiar commitments and of ignoring those made by the rest of the person. Rather, sexual relations should conform to the dialogical pattern of mutual whole-person orientation, in which case they would take place ‘only in the totality and context of the life of each of the partners including the whole sphere of their encounter and co-existence’.” (Primary source: The Call to Personhood by Alistair McFadyn, 36-37. In quote: Barth Church Dogmatics, 3.1)

“Further, becoming ‘one flesh’ denotes neither sexual intercourse nor its product (Seth), but human existence as a whole under the aspect of corporality. It is the dialogical form of relatedness which is normative for marriage, as for all relations and so for all sexuality, not marrage and heterosexuality which are normative for our understanding and practice of dialogue.” (38)

A Grief Observed

2011-04-02T18:00:00.001-07:00

I just finished this short 4-chapter book by CS Lewis this morning. A very valuable read for anyone who as walked through the fog and sorrow of loss. I will add a few favorite quotes later.

Some food for thought (PS: I love that metaphor):
"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand... And that, just that (our pithy fabrications of Heaven and things we can never know), is what I cry out for, with mad, midnight endearments and entreaties spoken into the empty air." The depth of despair where consolation cannot reach.

"There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them. It is arrogance in us to call frankness, fairness, and chivalry 'masculine' when we see them in a woman; it is arrogance in them to describe a man's sensitivities or tact or tenderness as 'feminine.' But also what poor, warped fragments of humanity most meere men and mere women must be to make the implications of that arrogance plausible. Marriage heals this. Jointly the two become fully human. 'In the image of God created He them." Thus, by a paradox, the carnival of sexuality leads us out beyond our sexes."

"To see, in some measure, like God. His love and His knowledge are not distinct from one another, nor from Him. We could almost say He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees."

"Once very near the end I said, 'If you can--if it is allowed--come to me when I too am on my death bed.' 'Allowed!' she said. 'Heaven would have a job to hold me; and as for Hell, i'd break it into bits.' She knew she was speaking a kind of mythological language, with even an element of comedy in it. There was a twinkle as well as a tear in her eye. But there was no myth and no joke about the will, deeper than any feeling, that flashed through her."

Roots

2011-03-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

So I was reading through Steve Yamaguchi's Presby Pastor's e-sharing this morning and came across this little point of interest. I remember filling these fish-boxes, ie: "Gracie" with coins as I participated in sunday school and summer camps.

a) One Great Hour of Sharing – with Japan. The little Fish Coin Offering Boxes make a difference. The earthquake hit Japan on Friday, March 11. By Monday, March 14, we had sent $100,000 to Japan through our One Great Hour of Sharing offering. Please let your children know that their Fish Coin Offering boxes are making a difference to help the children of Japan. (By the way, after many years, the coin box fish finally has a name. She is Gracie.)
Lent and Holy Week are the most popular seasons for churches to collect the One Great Hour of Sharing (OGHS) offering. Click here for more information about how to participate in the OGHS program.

Great to hear that the habits of children build deep roots of compassion and care for our future generations.

Life Update

2011-03-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there are few who read this, but for the sake of leaving my mark on the world wide web I am posting a little update on the upcoming, fairly significant events in my life.

Over the next six weeks I will be interviewing at 5 different hospitals along the West Coast for a position as a Resident Chaplain. This position will continue my education, and serve as my ordination prerequisites to continue working in the field. My residency will begin sometime in August or September.

June 11 will be my graduation date from Fuller Theological Seminary with a Masters of Divinity in Worship, Theology and the Arts.

August will be the last time I have to take any Ordination Exams... prayerfully... as I retake my final Exegesis exam toward the end of the month.

From now until then I am living at Grandpa's and studying.
Peace

an Ironic post

2011-02-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

If you read my previous post, this may seem humorous or ironic. Regardless, here it is.
This is an assignment from my Sundance "Engaging Independent Film" course that has asked us to comment on our method of public discourse--how do we engage others in conversation.

I try to keep a few things in mind when engaging with anyone, especially because most of the time I am quickly identified as a Christian, chaplain or seminary student and this starts a conversation off very differently. Different because it means that there are about a million assumptions that the other person has about me, Christians, the Church or religion, all of which I am totally unaware.

First of all I try to work with as few assumptions about the other person as is necessary—unfortunately being a fairly intuitive person makes this challenging. This helps to keep the conversation on an even field where both members can lead and contribute freely.

Secondly I work hard at being an active listener. It may come across sometimes as a little “psychoanalytical” but it is a very helpful listening tool. When someone says something confusing or different you ask them if they meant to say… or if they wanted to say… etc. Listening offers respect and dignity to the conversation partner. It shows that you know you don’t know everything and you’re interested in learning something new.

Finally I try to keep the conversation on track. If I get too distracted or side rail on a “soap-box” I realize I am bringing into the conversation unrelated, uninteresting and possibly hurtful “baggage.” This can also be a tool to notice when the other person is getting frustrated, angry, offended or just bored. If you notice this kind of shift it’s time to simplify, reassess and/or move on. This is an opportunity to find what was good about the conversation before it became too heated. This is also a chance for you to end the conversation before anyone becomes more hurt—we all have been part of hurtful conversations about our own personal lives, beliefs and hopes.

All in all I try, though not always successfully, to meet each person on level ground, show them the kind of respect and dignity I would request from another and try to leave this person better off than when we started. I say “better off” in the sense that education, conversation and being heard are some of the most intimate and life-giving activities any human being can engage in and if we take the opportunity to share a moment with another we can offer them the respect and dignity they were created for.

(Hint, much of this was developed and continues to be developed through my work as a hospital chaplain and the Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program).

Listening

2011-02-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

Today I was speaking to the Concierge at our TimeShare. I asked if he knew of any bistro/restaurant that was a little more off the beaten path where I might get some reading done with a glass of wine. Apparently that is a silly question to ask in a tourist-town during peak-season. Lesson learned.
But, what transpired in our initial 3 minute conversation as I revealed a working knowledge of the town and said I was here last week for Sundance was one of the most confusing conversations I have encountered in a LONG time. Here are a few pieces I can remember.

This guy believes (as he shared in the next 20 minutes):
Religion is problematic...
Faith is something special...
Joseph Campbell ("follow your bliss") has the key...
He's Catholic...
Married a Jewish woman...
Something happened in between...
It depends on what Planet people live are on... this one really got me scratching my head when he started talking about planets... we are in UT...
God/_____ (some other word) created everything and some think is a billion miles away...
His forefathers were somehow connected to Joseph Campbell or Joseph Smith (I couldn't tell) as wagoners through the west...
They built Westminster college where he attended but it's no longer religiously/theological oriented...
It's important to engage in dialogue (Got it! this one i could work with, pfew)...

I have no idea how to follow this guy. So what I leave wondering is, do I sound as fragmented and de-centered as this guy when I talk to people about faith/religion/spirituality? I sure hope not, if I do, I have some work to do.

I really had no idea what this guy was talking about at all. He didn't seem angry or dissatisfied, he seemed to think he was talking about some pretty clear things that made a lot of sense. Good thing he kept talking and didn't ask for me to participate. I hope no one sees this blog and thinks "what a pretentious pious bitch." I'm not trying to poke-fun at what he "believes" I just wonder how many people live in such a de-centralized world/reality like this?

wow

Horizons and Hovering

2011-02-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

I am excellent at imagining, "what if." When I graduate, what if I work here, there or what if I don't get a job. What if I'm in a relationship, what if I'm not, what if I get sick, what if I win the lottery, what if... I often joke that I could solve the worlds problems with all of this pondering. So, I find myself at a season of change, a time of transition, looking out on the horizon... do I see clear blue skies or dirty, vague LA smog?
Over the past six-eight months I have sensed, and believe a semi-dramatic change in call. I am still pursuing ordination, and am deeply committed to the life and health of the local church, though my primary vocational call has changed to hospital work as a chaplain. In so many ways this is a "duh" moment because when my family asked what my "backup plan" was from pastoral ministry it was medicine. I have always been fascinated by medicine, comfortable in medical facilities and held great respect for the medical profession. After many years of becoming frustrated and unsettled with parish ministry positions I was delighted to find great freedom, affirmation and renewed excitement for ministry in the medical field.
So here I am, four months from graduating and seven applications in the mail. I have one interview scheduled and hope to hear from more soon. I know what I would love as the "perfect" setup, but I also know that plans do not usually end up as imagined. So here I hoover, suspended in time waiting for the future to become more clear. I pray and hope for wisdom, companionship and guidance on the journey there.
Just a little update on my life. Graduation is June 11, 2011. I will keep you posted with any other interesting information.

Peace.

How to Die in Oregon: Sundance Film Review

2011-02-01T14:04:00.002-08:00

Most of the time we don’t wonder or think about how we are going to die; or maybe that is just me because I am young. In states like Oregon, Washington and Montana this preparation is possible. Legally under the “Death with Dignity Act” persons who have been given a prognosis of six or fewer months to live can be prescribed a medication, which induces a coma like state and within hours death (please look at www.deathwithdignity.org). Some perceive this as an act against God, others a gracious act of mercy. The film “How to Die in Oregon” received the U.S. Documentary Competition Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival. Peter D. Richardson offered a dignified and personal look at the affect “Death with Dignity” offers people from Oregon and Washington.
I cannot write this blog without hoping to affect and challenge some of the presuppositions and ideas people have about death and medicine. Working as a hospital chaplain some of the primary theological questions that come to play in conversations with patients and their families in critical situations are: are we playing God by perpetuating life through medication and medical procedures, and/or are we playing God by removing medical care? These questions are significant and real, but whatever state a person is in when he/she is diagnosed with terminal illness there is sadness, fear, disappointment and often loss of hope.
What I appreciate most about the Documentary “How to Die in Oregon” is the director's ability to take real-life people who are dying and create a film that tells their stories. None of the people depicted in this film are using this assisted death as a means of escape. The producer and his crew closely follow these stories of life and loss, their work allows us to see the love and hope that is found in real time with real people.
As a pastor we are called into many different situations of life and loss; that space between joy and sadness, love and hate, hope and despair. This film continues the conversation connecting us with the lives of real people and their decision to die with dignity and care for their families. The documentary does not portray death as anything easy because death is not just about one person but about every person affected by the loss of a loved one. We see the affect this has on wives, husbands and children as survivors of their loved ones.
We, as ambassadors of God, have the privilege to extend the peace of Christ, to bring light and compassion into these moments of despair. God promises to bring comfort through times of suffering and loss. Every person who was documented in this film experienced both suffering and loss, and this is what I appreciated most about the film’s perspective. The Oregon Death with Dignity Act does not free a person from suffering, sadness or loss. Every day we can find opportunities to stand beside these people and remind them that God is there.

Tyrannosaur: Sundance Film Review

2011-02-01T14:04:00.001-08:00

The Tyrannosaurus is recognized as one of the greatest and fiercest of the dinosaurs leaving crater-like footprints and devastation to life in their wake. In some ways the film Tyrannosaur is true to this root: devastating, powerful and irrevocably impacting. Both characters: Joseph (Peter Mullan), and Hannah (Olivia Colman) deliver compelling and fierce depictions of disappointment and loss. When they are together they find tenderness and safety but slowly, like the tide, are pulled back into the torrent seas of their lives. In the opening scenes the viewer is struck by the powerful and tormented character of Joseph and is brought into curiosity as he finds himself drunk and terrified in Hannah’s consignment shop. She is befuddled and asks if she could pray for him, and prays for his tormented soul expressing through prayer her desire for Joseph to have a deep and healing relationship with God. As their lives lean together, their stories unfold and the depth of their pain and suffering is stunning.
What was most powerful to me about this film is the subtle, defining commentary it made about rage. Rage is an emotion closely linked to anger. Anger is a feeling resulting from disappointment and hurt. If anger is devalued, hidden or repressed the result can often lead to rage—an extreme form of anger. Anger is a real and right emotion that helps make what is wrong, right. Rage is often the actions that accompany anger unmet, anger unleashed. In a society where “justice” is never satisfied and individual endeavors are glorified rage is a profound reality that leaves most running for the hills (emotionally, socially and intellectually).
As a Fuller student pursuing a vocation in hospital chaplaincy I have had to examine my own troubled soul filled with anger and indignation. I often ask patients and friends “how do you cope.” If I am lucky their reply will be prayer, friendship, hobbies or hope but those answers are never simple. I recommend the film Tyrannosaur for the pastor and church leader who is willing and able to step into the darkness and stand beside and practice healing through anger. To do this is difficult and never a short journey. Most often the wrongs that have been done can never be made right.
In my own life the journey to embrace anger has been difficult. I was, and still am, ashamed of anger. I too easily fall into the habit of justifying another person’s behavior by explaining them as “good intentions,” as if “good intentions” make any wrong, right. Without confronting, naming and knowing my anger I have been guilty of reacting and overreacting out of anger and fear, not love and mercy. We may have the best intentions, and I believe God can work in spite of my weaknesses, but God has called me to love my neighbor. My journey to healing has been a process through confrontation, embrace, conversations and a lot of prayer. I am grateful now that I can acknowledge and own my feelings of anger in order to explore their roots in injustice, dignity, fear and acceptance. These roots are the pieces that help us make healthy and gracious steps forward in our relationships, work and witness.
The film Tyrannosaur does not explicitly spell out an anecdote to cure rage and anger. Tyrannosaur explores the hope and devastation a person ravaged with anger lives with on a day-to-day basis. Hannah turns to alcohol and Joseph resorts to reckless violence to express their anger. They find respite in each other, a calm amid the storm, and for a moment experience peace and grace. This is shattered when Joseph’s image of Hannah, the religious one who is closer to God, is finally seen as a human just like himself. The question I am still chewing on is in my identification with both characters and in God’s ability to accept and handle anger.

Holiday Persimmon Bread

2010-12-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

Holiday Persimmon Bread
Jessica Knutzen (12/1/10)

INGREDIENTS:
2 cups persimmon pulp
2 ½ tsp baking soda
3 cups white sugar
1 cup butter (softened)
4 eggs (Large/XLarge AA)
1 ½ tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground cloves
½ tsp nutmeg
1 tsp salt
1/3 cup water
3 cups all-purpose flour
walnuts (optional on top or mixed-in)

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350˚ F
1) In a small bowl combine persimmon pulp and baking soda; let stand for five minutes to thicken.
2) In a medium bowl combine sugar, butter, eggs, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, water and salt. Blend until smooth.
3) Alternate persimmon and flour into mixture until combined.
BAKING:
For Bread Loaf
Pour batter to fill pan 2/3 full. (This batch should make 2-3 6x3in loaves.) Bake for 60 minutes (or until golden and toothpick comes out clean).
For Muffins
Pour batter into each cup 2/3 full. (This batch should make 2 dozen muffins). Bake for 20 minutes (or until golden and toothpick comes out clean).

just a sucker

2010-09-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Ohhh, I am such a sucker for male vocalists and musicians.
I can be totally bummed by whatever has interrupted my groove in life, and all I have to do is plug in and get in touch with one of my favorite male musicians like Michael Buble, Glen Hansard, Andy Davis and the like and just be wooed back into the right mood. How on earth do these men have such power over me?!

Cheers to all you dreamers :)

I Put on Pilgrim's Shoe

2010-09-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

I put on pilgrim’s shoe
On a journey to prove
That we are free to move
Closer to the truth
Like a balm to soothe
The heart bearing a bruise
Standing on the edge with one breath, left to choose
To take one more step
A leap of faith, a drop of hope
Seeing I’m not at the end
Of the rope/ choak-ing out another breath
Never knowing how much is left… for…
The path ahead,
The journey we must tread
For the hands and feet
That have already bleed
Of the bridegroom to whom we are wed
Fed… by bread… and wine, the fruit of the vine
For in this moment this life is not wholly mine
We see a sign… every time…
I move forward… or wait
I remember that he died for our sake.

Fresh

2010-08-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

One of the most amazing things about Albania was the FRESH produce. Some of the best tomatoes, cucumbers and Watermelon I have had in my life. Along with fresh bread every day. It was amazing.

As I was watering the front garden yesterday I realized my neighbors tomato plant was heavy laden with fruit. I watered the plant and harvested the fruit intending to pass it along to them, hoping for a few myself. Instead they told me I could have 90% of the batch--about 3-4 lbs of tomato! So excited about my harvest I realized my small group was scheduled to have community pizza night the next day. So, I looked online for a "home-made pizza sauce" recipe. The best one I saw just gave some general guidelines... that's my kind of cooking. So here's how it went.

mince garlic... about 6-8 cloves let sit in olive oil and salt while prepping other items
chop/blend tomatoes. I started chopping, but it looked to chunky, so then I blended it all up.
chop/mince basil about a handful

simmer garlic for 2-4 minutes over medium heat in a large pot (big enough for the whole batch)
add a pinch or two of crushed red peppers for some heat (stirring constantly)
drop in tomatoes, turn up the heat and stir occasionally until it reaches a boil.
reduce heat to a simmer and let it reduce
Stir in Oregano, Rosemary, Salt and Pepper
(simmer about 30-45 minutes)

Sorry I don't have more details, it's more an art than a science, and a whole lot more fun that way.

Fun with Food.

Reentry

2010-08-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

One week back and a LOT has changed. I was not expecting some of it but I am glad to be home and I am glad God is doing good things in my life. As I reflect on my five weeks of travel through Italy and Albania I am so blessed to have memories of deep and meaningful conversations, new experiences which help me to see the world in a different light, the great excitement of new friendships and the blessed presence of God in and through it all.
Being a planner, and admittedly a little bit too much of a planner, I am quickly changing from one event to the next. I returned from my travels eager to dive into work at the church and ready to move into the next year of my life--my last year of Seminary. I have realized that I needed to slow down a little bit more, note the difference between the place I live now and the places I had called home over the past five weeks. I was almost too eager to sleep in my own bed that I had forgotten too soon the hospitality I was shown in Italy and Albania. It makes me wonder why I am so comfortable isolating myself in my own apartment rather than appreciating the generosity and warmth of strangers-made-friends in Italy and Albania. Now, I'm not ready to give up my bed, window screens, a microwaves, Trader Joe's, my car, air conditioning, almond butter or many of the other comforts and luxuries of my life here in California but I am at a place of trying to reflect and see God in and through it all.
I don't want to loose sight of the God I met and experienced in the Medieval World of Italy and on the streets of Albania. I don't want to get so caught up in the traffic, billboards, amenities and chaos of LA that I forget the peaceful walks I had in Erseke, or the streets of Rome marked by history, theology, art and hand crafted relics. I want to spend time over the next few weeks making those connections. Marking the similarities and the differences and sharing stories of my experiences, if you will listen. I hear that the best way to remember something is to tell someone else about it... I'm going to give that a try.

Albania

2010-07-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

So it has been 6 days now in Albania. We have been helping out with running a Jr. High camp of 130 students. All of the students are Albanian, about 50% speak some english, and about 10% speak very good english. They are fun, caring, very good, energetic, vivacious and passionate. They love to sing songs together, and jump up and down and dance together. It is a very different experience than the camp I grew up at with lots of amenities. Here they have three delicious but not very glamourous meals. They spend some time in the morning and evening listening to speakers and singing songs and then have the opportunity to play in the portable pool (about 20ft/10ft), climb on the ropes course, archery, canoeing, crafts and many more. They also prepare skits, dances, memory verses and songs for the evening program. They are very comfortable being up front and love the opportunity to jump up on stage and share something. Some of the skits and dramas have been really good, even the ones that I would think were "totally lame" back home end up being the most meaningful here. One group did an interpretation to "Total Eclipse of the Heart." They acted out how so many things in life can take us away from being loved by God like greed, pride, drugs, alcohol and other things, but God is always there calling us back to him. And in the end when you give your heart to God he will have the strength and the power to take away all those other sins and problems in your life. These kids know their stuff!!
It has been fun getting to know the students, though the language is very difficult to learn. We are communicating with hand gestures, facial expressions and very, VERY simple words. All is going well and we are so blessed to be here. The staff are amazing and the students are very inspiring. Thank you for your prayers and support. Keep them coming, we have one more week to go.

Peace,
Xhesika (How one girl, Xhoana (Joanna), spelled my name in Albanian)

Albania Mission Trip

2010-07-11T11:15:00.001-07:00

Here are two sites which may be informative for you:

1) Mark and Ruthie's ministry "Alongside Ministries International"
http://alongside.org/cgi-local/index.pl?view=albania

2) FPCH's Youth Mission trip blog/page.
http://youthministries.typepad.com/albania_2010/

Thank you for your prayers and support! We'll keep you posted.

Peace
Jessica

The poem...

2010-07-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote in response to the prompt we were given "I put on pilgrim shoes"

I put on pilgrims shoe
on a journey to proove
that we are free to move
closer to the truth.
Like a balm to soothe
the heart that bears a bruise
standing on the edge with one breath left to choose
to take one more step
a leap of faith
a drop of hope.
Seeing I'm not at the end of the rope,
choak-ing out another breath
never knowing how much is left
for.. the path ahead
the journey we must tread
for the hands and feet that have already bled
of the bridegroom to whom we are wed
Fed by bread and wine, fruit of the vine
that someday this life would no longer be mine
A sign, any time I tremble or shake
I remember he died for our sake.

Siena

2010-07-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Our first "day trip" was to Siena. We saw St. Catherine's chapel, and went to the Piazza Del Campo, the Duomo in Siena and all kinds of other stuff. I wish I had a documentary of these things, I feel like I can't remember half of what we did. It's all very new to me, I don't have a lot of art history to fall back on, or information about Italy. So here are some pictures to keep you interested.

This is one of my favorite statues. It is a Giovanni Pisano of Mary, Moses' sister at the Museo dell'Opera.

This is the lectern where scripture is read... if that doesn't strike fear into the heart of someone reading the word of God I don't know what will!

The Duomo, Cathedral at Siena.

The Piazza del Campo. With our professor, and very gifted artist, Christopher Slatoff (look him up he's awesome!) and my friends Jared and Stefan.

And a picture of the lovely, and bizarre, St. Catherine.

What first?

2010-07-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

I can hardly think of what to post first.
Right now I'm missing Orvieto a bit, and the wonderful students and professors I studied with so I will take a moment to touch on that.
For two weeks in Orvieto, Italy (a quaint little town built hundreds of years ago on top of a bute), we stayed at San Paolo Monastery. Each morning we would gather for lecture, and a few days we shook it up and traveled. Our lectures were mostly composed of Theological and Art History regarding the art works of Bernini, Giotto and ministries of St. Catherine, St. Claire, St. Francis and many more. I won't bore you with all the details, but I will post a handful of pictures and share a poem I wrote.

Here are some pictures from around town in Orvieto and the Duomo there. I really found the front of the Duomo fascinating because even before you entered the dorms of this ancient cathedral you were walked through the entire history of man, the gospel messages, the passion of christ and final judgement. The front of the Duomo is a compilation of a couple different centuries and represents a vast array of theological ideas.

Italia due

2010-07-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

Buon giorno amicci,
Today I woke up and traveled across town to the Vatican. I sat out in the courtyard with hundreds of other tourists, priests, nuns and catholics from around the world. As I sat watching the people standing in line, sitting in the courtyard, feeding the pigeons and playing in the fountain I thought about the anticipation we all brought into that space. From classic pictures to a spiritual longing we all were anticipating an encounter or event. I didn't really look up what to do in my time there, so I sat around until the 12:00 service. In the courtyard we only saw about a half an hour of prayers and music. I think I will return on Wednesday for the morning worship service and to look at the Basilica Museum.

I am learning I need to do at least some planning in advance, but not always.
I returned to the hotel and took a nap, because I can and that's what you do when it's hot and humid outside! When I got up, and after browsing my email and facebook I took a walk around town for some food. I arrived (not on purpose) at the Santa Maria Marggiore Church. I thought I was walking in the direction of the Colosseum but I was going north, not west... What is amazing about the whole thing is it's hard to go any direction without running into something historical, magical, eventful or exciting! There were many tourists here, and a youth-choir outside singing for fun. I walked inside just like the handful of other Churches I have gone to over the past two weeks, but there seemed to be a different atmosphere here. It was a "smaller" (less "historical") Church and so it seemed to have more active ministry... ugh I hate writing that because I feel my impressions are unfair... I don't know, it seemed different. Maybe it was because I wasn't there to listen to lectures or travel with other students. Maybe it was just me. (Even though I took my camera with me and took these pictures).

After the Santa Maria Church I stopped across the street for dinner... shikolata and panini, yum! Yes, I felt a little strange taking pictures of food while I was dining alone (eating alone is the hardest part of traveling solo).

Just as I was walking up the last stairs from the Metro to my hotel, there was a man singing and playing his guitar. This is a common occurrence but this guy was different. He placed himself under an archway which meant his voice and guitar resonated clearly for much farther than if he were out in the open. He had a beautiful voice and sang catchy songs in italian. I stopped to give him some change and he stopped singing to thank me.

Then, I went and took a walk in the park, which is right across the street from the hotel, I found out that it is the weekend of Rome's 7th anual Film Festival. So I picked up a movie listing and made plans to return for the 9:15 showing of "Simple Things." A Russian film with english subtitles, which was also translated into Italian... for subtitles of the subtitles. It was a dark film, a little slow, but pleasantly hopeful in the end.

Italia 1

2010-07-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends, Ciao.
I am writing from the beautiful, ancient, eternal, bright, and humid city of Rome, Italy.
The next dozen or so posts will be totally out of order, just a stream of consciousness, but they will capture the amazing moments and memories I have made here in Italy.

Tonight, I took the train from Orvieto (which will be featured much more later), to Rome. I had to get 8 blocks from the train station to my hotel, and try and return a laptop cable to another student. Everything worked out and happened, almost magically, in 4 hours. I still can't believe I was directed to walk left, not right, and I only asked for directions 1 time!
Seriously, if you don't know how directionally challenged I can be you'd be IMPRESSED. I am.

The hotel here is beautiful, I'll post pictures later (for now I just need sleep... and to put my tired swollen feet up!).

What a beautiful city, and thank you God for protecting me and keeping me safe in my crazy travels.

Tomorrow, the Vatacan and a moment with the Pope. (I told grandpa I'd say hello for him, and maybe light a candle for him... maybe I'll just send him a postcard). I miss him.

Ciao bella,

J

New Recipe

2010-06-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

I tried a new recipe on some of my dear friends the other night, thanks girls!

I got the "Food and Wine" magazine best recipes of 2010 cookbook in the mail and immediately started looking through it.

The recipe: "Mustard-Glazed Chicken with Arugula and Bok Choi"

Verdict: Baby Bok Choi is a good veggie I should work into my diet more. Arugula-always delicious. Chicken-savory, moist, lots of flavor but not too overwhelming, not too "mustardy."

Just delicious. WIN!

Kenneth Kermit Knutzen

2010-05-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather, Ken Knutzen, passed away last Thursday May 6th. He passed peacefully in the early morning after 96 long, devoted years of life. He is remembered by Dorothy his wife; Sue, Ted and Jack his children; John, Julianne, Jessica, Christine, David and Michael, grandchildren and Michaela great-granddaughter.

There are a few things which I have known and have been reminded of about Grandpa's life over the past few days as our family has gathered together to celebrate his life. Grandpa was always a quiet and understated man but lacked nothing in devotion, loyalty, generosity and care. All his children thanked him for giving the blessing of a stable home, great education, financial wisdom and for always being there for them.

I was particularly touched to be able to step in as a musician for the memorial service. Two of the songs Grandpa chose to be sung/played in his memory were "How Great Thou Art" and "Amazing Grace." What I learned from this, and his role as Grandpa is that his devotion to his family, generosity and care was rooted in a deep understanding that this life was not his own. His decisions were made with great care, out of deep gratitude to God the giver of all good things. Grandpa never told me this explicitly but the lesson I have learned is one of stewardship. Recognizing that our lives, relationships, finances, jobs and health are a gift from God and only last for a little while.

I also appreciated taking time to find humor in some of the more difficult times we shared with Grandpa over the past few years. A note in his dresser drawer read "No, Ken, I cannot buy you a car. No, Ken, I cannot take you to the bank. No, Ken, I do not have access to your accounts. No, Ken, I cannot take you to buy a car..." and so forth. He broke out of the nursing home one day a few years back with a car-ad in hand and was determined to get himself some new wheels, then he couldn't figure out how to get there. Grandpa drove his own car, completed his taxes (on turbo-tax on his own computer), and took care of Dorothy until after he was 92. What a long, remarkable life! I hope I'm as feisty as he was when I get that old.

PS: Bet you have never known someone who actually has the name Kermit. Awesome :) I wonder if we can convince anyone to keep that one in the family!

Aug. 13, 1913 ~ May 6, 2010

The Huntington

2010-04-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends,
Today I was invited to visit the Huntington with a dear friend, Holly. We were able to traverse from Desert to the Zen gardens in one afternoon! (And get some homework done at the same time!)
We were amazed by the blossoms, sizes, shapes, colors, shades, width, height and breadth of the plants we saw! I decided to finally splurge and buy my own membership so I can bring you, my friends, and my grandfather and share this wonderful experience with me.

My two favorite things were the Koi ponds and the Rose Gardens. Just amazing, beautiful. My favorite roses, I do not know the name, but they were triple blossom roses: deep purple, between maroon and fuschia and they had an incredible scent! Most of the time when you have triple blossom you loose a lot of the rose-perfume. Not in this case :)
And the Koi are just awesome. There was one with really long, flowing fins. It was mostly the golden-orange color with some black and white scales. Very beautiful, like a peacock of the pond.

Well, thanks for sharing this vicariously with me. Maybe soon you can join me to experience it yourself.

Peace,
Jessica

AZ, immigration.

2010-04-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

"Gov. Jan Brewer of Arizona signed the nation’s toughest bill on illegal immigration into law on Friday. Its aim is to identify, prosecute and deport illegal immigrants.... The law, which proponents and critics alike said was the broadest and strictest immigration measure in generations, would make the failure to carry immigration documents a crime and give the police broad power to detain anyone suspected of being in the country illegally. Opponents have called it an open invitation for harassment and discrimination against Hispanics regardless of their citizenship status."
N.Y. Times 4/23/10

I find it difficult to comment on this because of my negativity towards this grand back-slide into an apartheid-like system. My overall reaction is a frustration with what some others deem "disappointing, compromising, and general "steps-in-the-wrong-direction"" when certain persons are elected to governmental leadership. And then bills and legislature like this becomes overlooked. This is the kind of political move which actually effects individuals in an inhumane, family-splitting, and moral robbing way. Our country does not need any more excuses to be racist; we need more legislation and activism to overcome the crime of racism.

balance

2010-04-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, why is it that my body does not want to sleep when it is time to sleep. My tummy does not like what I eat and my head does not want to concentrate when it is time to study... not fair.

I'm just praying for a little more balance in each day, please.

"Outings"

2010-04-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, since I will be traveling for 30 days out of the country I have decided to stop "tracking" my outings because there will be probably more than I can keep track of.
This is great news because I was afraid I was boring and didn't do anything new. And I have now been proven wrong. Though, I do tend to pick some of the same spots routinely. And I think that's okay.

Recipes, however, will continue to come.

Italia y Albania

2010-04-21T23:18:00.000-07:00

This summer I will be traveling to study in Rome, Italy. We will be staying in the beautiful hills at a monastery north of Rome in Orvieto. I am looking forward to classes with my professors on art and theology, medieval and post-modern.
I will try my best to keep you posted, or at least update when I get home.

Then after class I will vacation in Rome for a week, not too shabby. And travel across the Agean sea into Tirana, Albania. I am traveling with about a dozen high school students and two other leaders. We will be staffing a Vacation Bible School camp for two weeks. I have no idea what this will look like but I'm excited.
I have wanted to travel to Albania ever since my family started to support some missionaries from our home church. Grant and Carina have been in Tirana for at least 12 years now and I have been itching to get out there since I was 14. My parent's didn't think it was a great idea at the time, but support it more now.

More thoughts, ideas, and reflections will come.

Spring Break

2010-04-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

Spent most of the time preparing for the sermon I preached Wednesday night on John 15. It was a good experience, I am grateful for such an encouraging and supportive community--just like the vine!

Then I drove all the way up to Santa Cruz, jammin and singing to my music the whole way. I took the 101 and it was BEAUTIFUL! I have not seen so much rain in Southern California so all the brown hills were green with wildflowers. Just breathtaking.

I stopped in to see Coleen and we had a good time sharing about our days over some dinner. It's always good to see old friends.

In Santa Cruz we did all kinds of great stuff:
Westcliffs and natural bridges
Boardwalk
Capitola--adorable!!
Byington Winery Tasting :)

Fun, Fun, Fun...

Then run home, go hang out with the girls and start classes again!!!

Woah.

Computer

2010-04-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's on. I have access to Word and Keynote but have realized how stinking expensive software is.

I still need to figure out how to download some video files onto this thing... hmmm. And I need to detach myself from my work MacBookPro which has spoiled me ROTTEN. And I still don't have my old calendar... so if I miss something I'm sorry.

What's good: I can actually print again at home. Thank goodness. And all in all getting some new software was a LOT cheaper than a new computer. Thanks Di-no computers.

Good to have reliable technology.

Cumin Chicken and Quinoa Chard Pilaf--Yummy Recipes (#7 & 8)

2010-04-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

QUINOA CHARD PILAF

Ready in 40 minutes
(serves 4-6)

1 ½ tsp Olive Oil
1/2 Onion (diced)
1 ½ Cloves Garlic (minced)
1 Cup Uncooked Quinoa (rinsed)
1/2 Cup Canned Lentils
¼ lb fresh mushrooms (chopped)
2 Cups Vegetable Broth
½ Bunch Swiss Chard (remove stems)

Directions

A) Heat oil in large pot over medium heat. Stir in the onion and garlic and saute 5 minutes until onion is tender. Mix in Quinoa, Lentils and Mushrooms. Pour in the broth, cover and cook 20 mins.

B) Remove pot from heat. Shred Chard and gently mix into pot. Cover and allow to sit 5 minutes or until chard is wilted.

CUMIN CHICKEN

2 Tbsp. olive oil, extra virgin
3/4 Tbsps. dry sherry (sub. Dry vermouth).
1 tsps. ground cumin
1 cloves garlic, crushed
1 Tbsps. honey
1/2 tsp. salt or to taste
3 boneless chicken breasts

Mix the oil, wine, cumin, garlic, honey and salt together in small bowl. Place chicken in shallow baking dish and pour marinade over at least 2 hours before cooking. Turn at least once during this time. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Roast chicken on rack in pan. Continue to brush with marinade once or twice as it cooks. Bake for 40-45 minutes. Cover lightly with foil if they brown too much. Serves 6.

Finally... updating

2010-04-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll try to keep this brief because I want to mention a few things about my past weekend.

Totally fun hanging out with my sister Chrissie.

Stop One: Stone Brewery http://www.stonebrew.com/ check it out. A bit pricey but good brew and mostly good food (my pasta was a little bland until I put some peppers in it).

Stop Two: unsuccessful shoe-return. So El Centro, not so close to San Diego... another testimony to my "directionally challenged" life.

Stop Three: San Diego Wild Animal Park!!! SOOOO Fun! When sister gives me pictures I will post a few of us eating cheesy meal worms and playing with butterflies. I think my fav. animal (besides the butterfly exhibit) was the Zebra-Horse-Giraffe animal... OKAPI. Very fun.

Then the long drive back home to LA...

UPDATES

2010-04-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have neglected you.
I have been busy... and other poor excuses.

Pieces I plan to post on soon-ish

1) Spring Break
2) Computer
3) Big Bear
4) Preaching in class (Mark 3)
5) San Diego
6) Quinoa-Chard Pilaf and Honey Cumin Chicken
7) My summer trip to Italy (Rome/Orvieto) and Albania (Tirana, etc.)... 33 days of travel in Europe, holler!

If you do read this (yes I know there are a few of you, like 2 or 3 when you have watched all new episodes of Lost, the Office, 30 Rock etc... and are tired of seeing the same updates on facebook... occasionally you take a gander over here) Thank you.

Computer Woes

2010-03-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are again.
Last year about this time I was having similar problems with my nemesis--my computer. I deleted the post b/c it was a little too revealing of my rage than I should have shared...

Blue Screen
Flashing "Folder" with a question mark
Course Reader CD lodged in the Disk Drive...

Not a good sign.

On the up side, I have a loaner-computer from chapel. Thank you Fuller for providing equipment for me to do my job that I can "borrow" in such an occasion.
Also... if this is really the end of my previous Mac then that means this whole headache from the day we/I bought this cursed computer.

2010-03-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

sorry for the misspelling in my second to last post... it was late... and that was NOT how wrapped was supposed to be spelled... yikes

little quake

2010-03-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

4:04 am
4.4 earthquake

I was awake, I've been awake all night. Darn cold medicine... I thought you were supposed to help me sleep. Well, at least I got some more work done.

Glad it was just a little quake.

Get “wrapped” up in my love, Love

2010-03-15T15:05:00.001-07:00

A Fleeting Inspiration for my Sermon 3/24

From John 15

I am the true Vine
Abide in me and you’ll see
Life, growth, fruit
Abide in me as I abide in you
Get wrapped up in My love, Love

Strong branches bear good fruit
Healthy vines endure the pruning knife
Cutting away, making way
For life, growth, fruit
Abide in me as I abide in you
Get wrapped up in My love, Love

The branch alone does not flower or fruit
The branch withers and dies apart from the vine
Neither can you flower or fruit
Unless you abide in me
As I abide in you
Get wrapped up in My love, Love.

If you abide in me
My words abide in you
From the dawn of day
To each dawning
May you know: if you wish it, let it be so…

God is glorified by all of this
Follow me and be fruitful
Full of my word and my way
As the Lord above has surrounded me with love
I too have loved everything about you
Abide in me as I abide in you
Get wrapped up in My love, Love

Baklava!

2010-03-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

So my friends were planning a pre-wedding celebration for Brian and Ally before they go get hitched in Birmingham! Congrats you two :)
We planned to have lunch together, Greek-style (Brian and Ally met in Greek class in undergrad, precious). I said I'd bring dessert so I decided to try making Baklava...
Then I got sick... it's finals week... I don't want to get them sick so here I have Baklava and no party people to share it with.
Can you tell I'm tired of being sequestered in my apartment all by myself, this is just cruel and unusual punishment for an extrovert. (And it is certainly not making me more productive on my finals work).

note to self: more filo-dough on the bottom, maybe just more filo-dough in general... And maybe some honey with the walnuts to keep it sticky together... we'll have to work on this one again to get it right.

Enjoy~

2010-03-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

So sometimes, when you're not expecting it a 30 minute "nap" turns into ... 2 hours...
That's what happens when you have the most comfy chair in the world. Seriously.

The Price I Pay

2010-03-08T15:10:00.001-08:00

This afternoon I walked down to one of my favorite lunch spots, Euro Pane, and ordered their famous "Egg Salad" Sandwich open face on Rosemary Currant bread spread with roasted red pepper pesto, mixed baby greens and their creamy egg salad. Additionally I had resolved to get some work done so I defiantly ordered a soy-latte, knowing that my discipline in Lent was crumbling.
The angel said to me: “Take it, and eat; it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth.” Rev. 10:9

Now this is what I am drinking because my stomach is all upset. I should have known. I should have stayed true to my promises. I think I need to really stop loving coffee so much!

five years

2010-03-08T10:44:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe it was five years ago today that I was goofing off in Solvang with my girlfriend. We were staying at her grandparents and having a blast. Reading books, laying out at the pool, shopping for sassy clothes-I bought a pair of red heels I knew I would never wear but I loved how sexy they made me feel. And she bought this gorgeous green dress that made her look like a million bucks! I had resolved to leave my computer at home, and to unplug (minus my cell phone) for a few days.

We headed back to my parents place, and stopped at the Camarillo Outlets on our way. Standing by the sweaters and slacks at J-Crew (maybe Banana Republic, they're too similar to me) I received a phone call from a college friend. "Jessica, Chace is dead" is all I remember hearing. The floor fell out from under me, my heart sank as I made my way for the door. It was too shocking to really cry over, and in some really unfortunate sense it wasn't shocking at all. My friend took the keys and drove us home.

It took me years to remember the events of those following weeks. It was like I had lost a part of my substance--the part which catches on to things and remembers what is going on or what people are saying. I was like an empty tunnel, the wind just blew right on through and past me on to the next destination.

Today I am sad to have lost a friend and the years we might have had together. I am sad you never knew him. But, even more so I am glad to have had so many warm hearts and open arms to have been held in ever since. Someone once said, "death and taxes are the only certainties in life." True, but I will not remember the details of each tax form as I will cherish the memories of those I have been privileged to know and lived to loose. I pray for Marcia, Chace's mother, wherever you are. It is not fair. The hand you have been dealt is heavy and wrought with pain. I pray the Lord comforts you and brings new life into your whole being.

Confession

2010-03-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have sinned against you and against my neighbor.
In this season of Lent the Church has adopted a tradition of waiting, preparing, suffering... I prefer to call it consciousness. Often times people give up a luxury or an indulgence (not the medieval practice of paying for the forgiveness of sins).

I chose coffee. Last year I gave up coffee as well and made it through the 40 day stretch.
This year, not so successful. I caved in.
Now, on the contrary to some this was a premeditated "sin." It was not an "impulse buy" or a "social-slip." I knew I was going to wake up this morning, brew a pot of coffee and sip that delicious nectar as I read Breuggemann and finished an assignment. It is raining outside and I just needed a little extra motivation.

Now if it were only easier to do this confession thing when it really counts.

Monrovia Falls (Outing #4)

2010-02-16T22:44:00.000-08:00

Monday 2/15 we went on a "day hike" up to the Monrovia Falls.

The hike was beautiful, there were many more trees than I anticipated which was an absolute treat. And the brush was actually green due to the rain we have received the last month.
My friends Michael and Brian were my guides (they are much more experienced and in much better shape for this stuff). At one point Michael said "I had no idea California (southern) had anything like this." Yes, Michael it's true. Don't worry I'll only share with my blog-friends and we'll keep your secret quiet.

The fall was nice, about 40 feet tall and we were joined by about 40 kids of all ages with their parents and guardians. We stopped to catch our (read-my) breath and have some fruit, enjoy the view and soak up a little sun. Surprisingly in the middle of February it was 75* or so (well maybe that's not so surprising, CA).

Reflections: I am not in as good of shape as I believe I convinced the guys I was (oh pride!). My buttocks is still sore (more my hips), and my knee got tweaked when we were taking our "Tai-Cheese" photo (imitating in a very elementary-school fashion a woman who was actually there doing Tai-Chi). She, our sensai, is featured in the background of our "Waterfall surfing" picture and we tried out some of her mooves in "Tai-Cheese."

I do enjoy getting out and hiking but this was another reminder that I can't sit on my (young-ish but ever-aging) buttocks and think I can run up a mountain with no problem. This is a bit of a conundrum... simple answer that is difficult to actualize. One day at a time.

Cheap and Easy (Recipe #5)

2010-02-16T22:39:00.001-08:00

Chicken Tortilla Soup

I've never made this before, but have loved it for many, many moons. I found a quick and easy recipe online and thought I'd give it a try.
General: I liked it, and shared it with a few (many) friends. It's a good, hearty, affordable meal. But not too exciting for the taste-buds.

Note:
Canned soup is canned soup... even if it's called Chicken Tortilla Soup.
When the recipe says 12 servings it really means 12 meals... this means either share with friends or use all fresh ingredients for a smaller batch (maybe another day when I have 4 hours not 1).

Always enjoyable with fresh avocado!

Peace

PS: I feel like I'm falling behind a bit on these postings! But, never fear it's just because finals are coming up (I know, next month but give me a break). When we start the new quarter and over the summer there will be much more to talk about :)

lament in worship

2010-02-13T09:39:00.000-08:00

"The person who hears your lament and far more bears your lament against them, paradoxically, is someone you deeply, wildly trust. It is the paradox that opens the heart to unfathomable rest. To sing a lament against God in worship reveals far, far greater trust than to sing a jingle about how happy we are and how much we trust him. That kind of song is much like the smiling salesman who meets you with a "Hey, how are ya. You're looking good today; how can I help ya." Lament cuts through insincerity, strips pretense, and reveals the raw nerve of trust that angrily approaches the throne of grace and then kneels in awed, robust wonder."

Dan Allender "The Hidden Hope in Lament" Copyright © 1994 Mars Hill Review 1 Founded in 1994 · Premier Issue: pgs 25-38.

Outing #3 Basketball

2010-01-31T16:08:00.001-08:00

I went to my first double-header live Basketball Game.
I know, surprising this was a first.
Thank you Libby for your BBallin heart and patience to fill me in on game calls.

CSULA (Mom's Alma Mater--woot woot Golden Eagles) vs. Humboldt State

Girls (don't remember the score) but Humboldt won
Guys 73-74 Humboldt won in overtime (good game!)

Hot dogs and hoochie mommas were the theme of the night.

Now I know more about Basketball than I ever have. I have been to a college Basketball game and I'm not in college any more. And I can definitely say I would choose Basketball over baseball any day (sorry, I know that may offend some).

Saturday Walk; outing #2 (And cookies Recipe #?)

2010-01-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

After a long week: nine days of up and down and up and down (and we're not talking about those cute little exercises Winnie the Pooh does each morning) and lots of rain I was ready to get out and get moving. I needed some fresh air, some green trees and a quiet walk to ease my mind.

I thought I would head down to South Pasadena and take a loop around my short-term summer neighborhood. There's a 2.8 mile square with only about 2 stoplights which is perfect for an afternoon stroll. I let my mind wander freely, walking through the past few days, working out the questions and trying to create some sort of organization for the days to come. The cool clean after the rain air helped me to detox from it all. The mountains were snow-capped and the plants were saturated from the long rain. I was finally able to break free from the tension and questions as my heart-rate rose and body warmed up. My fingers weren't cold any more so i rolled my sleeves up and fixed my gaze ahead.

I walked past an art store I had notice a dozen times before, and decided today was the day to take a look. The artist was extremely prolific and had a beautiful collection of paintings. Many abstract, some of women, animals, vases and voluptuous characters. I have been waiting to fill a space above my couch and was looking for a painting to place there. I found one which suited my taste, but not my wallet (of course). It was red, orange and yellow; rectangles arranged in a circular pattern. Dark and rich colors were the background for a demure tree; black and leafless. Two branches stretched away from each other but close enough as if each branch were still looking at the other--questioningly, painfully, betrayed.

I thanked him for his time and talents, said I needed to think about the painting before I would make a decision about purchasing it. I continued my walk up Fair Oaks for which there is very little to report. The rest of the day moved along with purpose but without haste. I had decided to try a new recipe for Chocolate Chip cookies and altered it a teensy bit myself (Kahlua instead of Vanilla Extract (it is a little thicker and adds a hint of coffee to pair with the chocolate); and a combination of semi-sweet choc chips and dark-chocolate chunks). I must say they are delicious (I have probably had a dozen myself!).

(Next post I will make sure to have the right numbers for my tally).

Recipe #3? yes 3

2010-01-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

What counts as a new recipe? Just that I haven't made it before? I think that's good...

Tonight:balsamic vinaigrette with some dijon, lemon juice and white wine vinegar... pretty tasty and a fun experiment

Salad with Grilled Chicken (Garlic, Rosemary, Lemon and a touch of Olive Oil)
Mixed Greens topped with blueberries, almonds and apple (and whatever else comes from the fridge).

Company= Rachel Bos

Maybe we will share a chardonnay.

Recipe #2

2010-01-16T18:42:00.001-08:00

Cajun-Blackened Salmon and Pasta Primavera
Paired with a Chilean Pinot Noir "Terrarum"

Just about the perfect meal in my mind, some of my favorite flavors beautifully grilled to perfection.

Tip: Choose Cajun spices that are salt-free for a healthier and more Unadulterated Spice!

Libby and I enjoyed this meal together on a Friday Night. We then tried to make it to Ikea before they closed. I was wrong, they close at 9 not 10... lesson learned.

A hint from my Grandfather: Any future or prospective boyfriends might want to pay attention to this one ;)

Recipe #1

2010-01-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

Buttermilk Biscuits some with Blueberry and Almond

These biscuits were inspired by tea with Amber and recipe perusing with Rachel.
The company that comes with food is one of the best parts! I enjoy cooking, preparing, smelling, and eating but most of all I enjoy the intimate, laughable and often a little outrageous memories made over a meal.

These biscuits were dubbed Sh*t Biscuits because in the Joy of cooking the recipe that follows Buttermilk Biscuits is a kid's recipe called "SHIP" Biscuits. Rachel misheard my recipe reading and the evening progressed in this fashion.

They came out looking tasty on the outside but not quite as soft and fluffy as I had hoped... this may have been due to the fact that I noticed the oven wasn't quite hot enough... I had pre-set it to 400 (though it called for 425) because it is a new oven, and I had never cooked in it before. So when I saw that it was 375 as the biscuits went in I raised the temp to the recommended 25...
About 8 minutes later I smelled a faint burning scent and thought to check on my Sh*t Biscuits. And Sh*t the oven had sky-rocketed to 550degrees!!! They were golden brown on the outside (as picture shows)... but black on the bottoms (conveniently hidden in said picture).

Moral of the story: when you are making Sh*t Biscuits make sure you know the temperature of your oven or you'll be Sh*t out of luck and biscuits.

Saturday 1/9 Lacey Park

2010-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of my outing with Rachel at Lacey Park. Beautiful, large park in San Marino. Highly recommend. Good for reading, picnicking, walking and leaf-crunching.

Twenty-Six and Twenty-Ten

2010-01-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

After a LOOOONG journey over the past six months (read: years) I finally feel like I'm getting my feet back under me. I have been so blessed over the past six months with many changes and a TON of generous support and gifts along the way that have helped me reach a place of peace, comfort, joy and hope. I will not go into the details of the past six months (years) but I do wish to share with you a dream and goal I have for my 26th birth-year and the year 2010.

26x2 is 52. There are 52 weeks in a year...
I love trying new things but often lack the motivation (sometimes creativity) to live into this.
I love food.
I love adventures.

My Two Goals for 26/2010 are as follows:
Try 26 new recipes
Go out and do 26 new adventures (parks, museums, hikes, adventures etc.)

I NEED YOUR HELP! This is a phrase I am learning how to better use in my life :)

I would love your participation in sharing this journey with me. Please share with me a favorite family recipe or join me on an adventure to somewhere you've longed to explore! And maybe even a story about why it's so special to you.

IE: The Knutzen Brussels Sprout Story
One day Chrissie's friend Jessie Torres was visiting and stayed over for dinner. When we sat down at our kitchen table, around the brown vinyl booth a tiny little voice from blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jessie proclaimed "Ewwww! I hate Brussels-sprouts!" To which my ingenious and quick-witted mother replied "Oh, don't worry Jessie, these aren't really Brussels sprouts they are 'snaggle-wumpus.' Yes, they look like Brussels sprouts but they don't taste much like them, just try for yourself and see." (My mother placed two 'snaggle-wumpus' on each of our plates, drowned them in butter and topped it with a pinch of salt). Jessie hesitantly examined the small green leafy bulb on her fork and popped it into her mouth. "Mmmmm, these are good! I think I like 'snaggle-wumpus.'" Jessie proceeded to share with her own mother what a great meal Mrs. Knutzen had prepared and asked if she would make 'snaggle-wumpus' too.
When the two mothers finally connected about this mystery-vegetable Mrs. Torres proclaimed "How did you get her to eat those, I hate Brussels Sprouts!"

Please join me in making 26/2010 a memorable year!

Peace

Home is where the heart is...

2009-12-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, definitely. But it's more complicated than that.

As I embark on my final apartment-search and move I am confronted with a billion decisions. Do I look for roommates? What questions do I ask landlords? How On Earth Do People Live Like This?!!

Craigslist, Fuller, Westsiderentals, and lots of block-to-block meandering have led me to wish I had a million dollars, or that I was living in another state, or that life was maybe a little more fair.

So I think I'm getting closer. After narrowing down the search from a $600-900 single/studio/1B1Bth (over a hundred and fifty options) to a 7-800 1B1Bth (more like a hand-full of options) I think I might have found a winner (that is provided nothing crazy happens). So wish me luck! I'm going to need it... and some moving help if you're around and don't mind carrying boxes up stairs.

Wherever I end up, I hope to call it home until I graduate from Seminary. This journey has been an interesting one. I have learned a lot, and God continues to challenge me daily to trust in the grace and mercy that has been extended my way. I have done a lot of soul searching and I am more humbled by this calling and more excited about what God will reveal and do in the next two years.

I do want to take a moment, as it is Advent and we anticipate the miraculous and glorious birth of Christ, to consider how profound a tiny change can be. Christ came to earth as a tiny baby, dependent on his earthly parents to provide, shelter and protect him from forces that were greater than they could even imagine. Christ, in flesh, needed clothes and shelter just like any other human being. Just like myself as I search for a new apartment. But Christ, the Lord, came in order that we might be redeemed from the struggle and weight of this flesh and bone. What I try to understand is how to live each day, in all my bodily reality in light of this eternal gift. I struggle to acknowledge and care for my body and physical needs when I see others who also have even greater physical needs. I long to be free of this body and the maintenance it requires, though I wish even more to understand more deeply the joy that comes with living this life well.

remember

2009-11-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

So often it is hard for me to remember how blessed I am when life is tough. It is so easy for me to get bogged down and oppressed by school work, personal and social expectations and questions about life in general. So I want to take a moment here to share some of the great surprises that have helped me see beyond my stress and hold on to the generous blessings and faithful promises of God.

Friday Night: "The Men Who Stare at Goats" and lots of laughs with friends
Saturday: Apple Orchard outing with Libby and Beth... we saw goats there too
Sunday: Good worship at Church and the help of friends through Hebrew Study group
Tuesday: A Very LONG day of meetings and work topped off by a generous and delicious benefit dinner... a trip to BeanTown where I received a new painting from Steve and many beautiful greetings and smiles from friends... I returned home to a card from my sister Justice which touched my heart AND then stayed up to get more work done...
Wednesday: I was so tired I went to bed early... and slept for 12 hours (I can't remember the last time this happened).
Thursday: surprise lunch with an old neighbor and mom... Passed my interview at Presbytery and have moved forward to Candidacy for ordination... delicious dinner of blackened salmon over cilantro fettucini with Mom and Dad... a good joke with Grandpa... lots of laughs with friends while watching TV!
And today at LoveBirds Cafe: Christmas music and two gentlemen who asked "what are you working so hard on?"... "Hebrew." then as they walked out one of them said to me in Hebrew: "May your name be inscribed in the book of life."

I hope to hold on to these things as the quarter comes to an end... keeping my head above water... looking forward to Thanksgiving and Matt and Michelle's wedding...

PFEW! It's amazing how much can happen in a few days :)

Grandfather's Wisdom

2009-10-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have been living with my 92 yr old grandfather for about 8 weeks now and learning more and more about our family and his life each day. We have dinner together and spend time watching TV together on a regular basis. He's had a long and full life and is wonderful company... though I don't quite know what to do with some of the things he says.

Occasionally I'll get to see a tender side of him where he says nice things to me and offers to make me more comfortable and feed me about a dozen times a day. He usually asks "is there enough heat up there for you?" Referring to the guest house where I am staying--even when it's 100 degrees outside. I always enjoy when he talks about Margaret, my Grandmother, who passed away about 14 years ago. One of our most precious moments was when I was waiting with him outside a restaurant and he said "it's nice holding your hand." It's nice holding your hand too, Grandpa.

He lacks most of his short term memory but is still really quick to respond and has a pretty keen sense of humor; though off color at times (even though he knows better). Most of the time he'll ask how my parents and sister are just to check in with the world. And I regularly get asked "So how many boyfriends do you have." (Sometimes a few times in the same day). Most of the time I joke and tell him "oh you know, a half a dozen or so--one for each day of the week..." or "guys are trouble..." or the like. He has some responses to my "predicament" that just make me laugh and I thought I'd share them with you...

"set traps"
"put a sign out in the yard... or somewhere in town" saying "single female"
"Bait them..." to which I responded "nobody's biting" and he said "they're over-fed."
"Well tell them!"
"They don't know what they're missing"
and the like...

I hardly know what to do with him and his suggestions most of the time. Though I have to give him some credit because he was happily married for over 50 years to my grandmother and has shown me one of the most beautiful examples of devotion and commitment while my grandmother was hospitalized for four or five years. He visited her every day to feed her lunch, tell her about the family and make sure she knows she was still special. So even though he seems to make the whole "search" so simple and lighthearted, he is a large part of the reason I'm a little picky--sorry guys ;)

Vacation in Evergreen, CO

2009-08-14T21:04:00.001-07:00

Just a few thoughts from my stay in Evergreen

Nestled under sheets, wool blankets, and hand made quilts I lay awake
Listening to the river rush beside this old cabin
The river sounds like rain to me, my ears are too accustomed to the highway hum
Paper thin antique curtains of lace blow with the wind
It is cold outside, but I leave the window open to hear the river roll over the rocks

Lazy mornings begin with a smile, some hot coffee and fresh fruit
No one knows the time for the day awaits our curiosity
A walk around the lake, a stroll through town
Just past the high school we greet the mountainside with tennish shoes and water bottles
To be accompanied by thunder and lightning that rumble from behind the mountain top

We can pile into the MiniVan, Nina we call her endearingly
She takes us into town, down the highway and toward buildings taller than the trees
Meeting and greeting old and new friends soften the blunt edges and heat of the paved city
Nothing brings these big kids together more than baseball, go Rockies
It makes no difference to me who is on the field I come for the company

Late nights and later mornings, comfort food and slippers
Glad eyes, kind smiles and the smell of fresh rain on the pines
Mom always said warm hands make a warm heart; she always knows best
Some time away is good to reconnect with all that is living
It is nice to know these trees and friends will be with us to the end

"Farmers Market's Got Talent--LA"

2009-07-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the LA farmers market where we had delicious crepes, walked around in the 90 degree heat and saw too many things that I wanted to eat and buy! (I bought a new purse).
It was much like disneyland... asphalt and brick paved main street with shop's one on top of another, booths, botiques, and a unicycle riding clown...

This is where we stopped after lunch to watch the cute little kids and the 3:00 Clown Show. She had a few kids come up to sing songs and share their talents. The first little girl sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." The second girl sang the "Alphabet Song." And then a cute little boy in a green shirt came up and evangelized to a group of 60 or so parents and kids singing "Jesus Loves Me." The clown didn't really know what to do with herself, and after he was done replied "I had no idea it had so many verses!" (the little boy sang verse one and the chorus). She then asked if there was anyone else who wanted to sing a song, or if any other religious groups wanted to be represented by their 4 year old evangelists. It was fantastic.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do about it. You can try to censor Jesus out of everything but who is going to tell a 4 year old boy that he can't sing "Jesus Loves Me." I didn't think so. It's true little boy, Jesus loves you, and me and everyone else who heard your song. Thank you :)

People Watching

2009-07-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

So over the past few days I have encountered some very entertaining people-watching experiences.
People-watching does happen to be one of my favorite things to do, it makes me laugh and keeps me humble!

Wednesday: In class while the professor was responding to a "group presentation" question one of the presenters got bored and started playing "minesweeper" on his computer, while it was still connected to the projector... half the class was trying not to laugh b/c he kept playing and playing... did I mention this class is Presbyterian Polity?

Thursday: Brazilian Carnival dancers with jeweled bikini--but less than bikini--outfits and huge headdresses... For some reason I wish I had just a touch of their self-assuredness.

Friday: 8year old dance-a-holic. We were at the Levitt Pavilion outdoor watching a Celtic-Salsa band play. Let me tell you Salsa music will never sound the same unless there are bagpipes and a banjo. Don't knock it 'till you've tried it. Our dancer friend loved to jump and twirl and definiteley knew when to pose for the audience to applaud!! Amazing :)

Saturday (Today): Afternoon Library Nappers... this is a good one. Slumped over in our blue-boxy-pleather sofa-chairs, sometimes with a book perched on a knee or across their chest. All in all this is a good one because they are 1) in an air conditioned room when it is 95 outside 2) perfectly peaceful b/c the library is quiet 3) could care less b/c everyone else wishes they could sleep like that or sleep at all instead of reading or doing homework on a SATURDAY!!

Not a bad week, I say.
Some people do photo-blogs... I think this might be a good theme for me: Adventures in people-watching.

we'll see if anything exciting happens in the next few days :)

Final's Study Song... Poh's Exercise song

2009-06-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Up, Down, and
Touch the Ground

Up, down, up,
When I up, down, touch the ground
It puts me in the mood
Up, down, touch the ground
In the mood for food

I am stout round, and I have found
Speaking poundage wise
I improve my appetite
When I exercise

I am short, fat and proud of that
And so with all my might
I up, down, and up and down
To my appetite's delight!

Roller Skating

2009-05-11T16:59:00.001-07:00

So this Friday we went to the Roller Skating Rink for my friend Tammy’s birthday. We all squeezed into my corolla and headed down to Glendale to take a trip back in time, I didn’t know at this time how far back we would go. This place was great because you can only rent roller skates, no rollerblades. I was a little scared because it had been long enough since I had trusted myself to balance on wheels, and even longer since those wheels had a rubber toe-stopper (“toe pick” anybody?).
When they let us through the iron locked doors (sketchy) and we picked up our skates we thought this isn’t half bad, it looks a lot better inside than we anticipated. There were a number of elementary through high school aged kids and a few more mature patrons. There was one little boy who caught our eye at about 4’11” he glided around the rink with great ease. He was wearing blue jeans and a blue shirt and had a cute little fro. He must have only been 10 years old but that boy had some moves and when “Smooth Criminal” came through the PA we all turned to watch him, and a few other “advanced” skaters.
About midway through the night, after we shared a pretzel, nachos and a diet coke it was time to use the ladies room. I inched my way over, being very careful not to fall, for falling in this room would be even more awkward. I scooted into the little girls room and saw three blue stalls ahead of me, I saw a little girl come out of the stall on the left and decided to avoid kiddie-dribble I maneuvered my way to stall number two. I turned around and went to lean down but thought “wow, these skates really make the distancing totally different” after my shorts were down and I was positioned in the careful hovering position I realized, “wait is this a normal sized toilet? Are my skates really making me THAT much taller?” It was basically too late to abort-mission so I did my business, meanwhile seeing the bottom of the skates of the stall next to me swinging in the air above the ground, which just affirmed, “I’m using the KIDDIE TOILET!” I wanted to laugh out loud of the idiocracy of it all but decided to just smirk and save the story for my girlfriends.
So yes, friends, I used the kiddie toilet, in roller-skates on Friday night. It wasn’t planned, but it was an adventure. Brought me back to the good ol’ days.

disgusting

2009-03-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

So, I'm just going to complain, so you're forewarned. There will be no brilliant wisdom or theological nuggets to get from this one, unless you count confession.

I walked down to the corner liquor store to get some soda to keep me awake enough to write this paper... and I'm now tired. It was only a 3 block walk. I'm pathetic!
I have never been in such sorry shape before in my life!
I wish I was better at making goals and sticking to them, but I'm not.
I prefer to be realistic than optimistic.
I want to say I'll go to the gym more and lose those 15lbs I've gained, but we'll see.

I can't believe I'm tired! disgusting.
I did only get about 6 hrs of sleep last night... and I have been working pretty hard for school, but still! pathetic.

And now I'm scared because we're going camping in a week and a half and I'm pretty sure the two mile walk to our campsite is going to wear me out! Sorry girls, I'm just out of shape.

thought-o-the-day

2009-02-18T21:30:00.001-08:00

Am I the only one who gets a little uneasy when people say stuff like: "Everything happens for a reason" "God put me here to learn something, I just don't know what it is yet" etc?

I feel like, particularly in the middle of an economic crisis, wars around the world, poverty and even little things like the finals that are fast approaching these phrases just rub me the wrong way.

How can we approach life with an attitude more similar to: God is the redeemer of all things.

Just thinking out loud.

Hamster in a Wheel

2009-02-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

sorry it has been so long, as you read you'll know why!
I enjoy reading your posts so keep them coming friends :)

So here I am again, just past midterms and about to die from overloading my plate. You’d think that someone who has been “over committing” herself for 10 years would realize what a toll it takes. Instead I will blog, avoiding homework, and try to cope.

So, I’ve been trying for the past three years to take a step back and do less, find the things in life that I really value and make space and time for them. I was forced to make space and time while in Ojai but had close to no emotional, social or spiritual strength to actually do anything with it. Then I moved to Pasadena and started school at Fuller Theological Seminary and was slowly but surely rejuvenated by the community and studies. Although because of my previous bad habits I figured I’d be fine working 20-25 hours a week at a local coffee shop to pay for some of my living expenses while I was paying for school. I worked this much and more in undergrad and apparently had forgotten what a toll it took on my spiritual, social and emotional life. (Mind, Body, Spirit right)… You’d think those Café tri-folds at Point Loma that taught about “Mind, Body, Spirit Balance” would have brought some insight… I feel like I’m in recovery from an addiction. Maybe in some cases I am.

So here I am, stuck in a couple feet of it… brown, moist, squishy, suffocating…
I am overwhelmed and it’s my own damn fault!

I’m trying to cut back by saying no and delegating as much as I can to others, but often times those things take more work before they start paying off.

Now, how do I cope?

Take a breath—nothing is as bad as it seems when it first hits you.
Be grateful—every little bit counts. I am so grateful for a God that is present and strong enough to carry me through the rough spots. And I appreciate good friends who pitch in by offering encouragement and hugs.
And try to keep it all in perspective.

Okay now I’m going to work on my sermon, worship for tomorrow and the hundreds of pages of reading I have not gotten to yet!
Thanks for reading and let’s all keep each other in prayer!

Peace

Thanksgiving:

2008-12-02T13:29:00.001-08:00

To be thankful… to give thanks… what a wonderful opportunity we have to bring healing and reconciliation to this broken world.

A family celebration darkened by the immediate brokenness of senility and distant devastation of terrorists in Mumbai. We have so much to be thankful for. A warm home filled with love and support. There was enough of everything to share with many more than our company. Vehicles to transport us from our own spacious homes to the house we grew up in. Clothing to keep us warm, protected from the elements and stylish. We have the privilege of knowledge, resources, stability and ability. We have the freedom to choose how to spend our time as a student or working in our chosen fields not because we have to have a job but because we are good at those things. We were born (and adopted) into privilege and it is not something to be ashamed of. However, it makes me think a whole lot. How easy it is for me to put gas in my car, write the check for rent, spend time with friends, choose to work at a church where I am not paid… I feel like I could go on forever and ever. All of which bring great pleasure and deep burden to my heart.

Nothing I have is my own. My education, relationships, faith, comfort, struggles and computer to write this on are all a gift. The world is hardly so simple that the hours I work make the money I use to buy some certain thing. I would not have any job if I had no education or physical ability granted by God or subsidized by those around me. How can I even begin to give thanks for so much?

I guess I am most grateful for the grace that has been so generously given to such an undeserving, miniscule part of creation. When I was younger, and much more insecure, I used to not know how to receive a gift or compliment. I would shake my head and say (and believe) “no, no, you don’t know.” Thinking the compliment or gift was undeserved because I wasn’t anything special. I have tried for years to understand what those little gestures really mean and where they come from. They are of God. They are the small whispers of tenderness and care from a creator who wishes me to be thankful. So I have had to learn to give thanks. To say thank you to someone who does something kind for me. It is not because I am ungrateful, but because I have been disillusioned to think only certain people are worthy. No one is worthy. We are mere instruments of peace and generosity. So let us give thanks to the one from whom it all began; the source of life, love, happiness and generosity.

Reading the fine print...

2008-11-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

So, it was neither a cyberspace SNAFU, nor a "religious" censorship. Next time I should really read the directions.

Here's music-discussion.com's response

"Hi The thread was deleted as it cantained a link. We do not allow first time posters to promote links, as we are trying to promote a community atmosphere. Plus if we allowed all the members to post links, then we would have hundreds of posts everyday of members coming here to promote other sites, meaning the quality of the Music Discussion is comprised.

However, as you have contacted us regarding your post, I have undeleted your thread but removed the link to comply with the forum policy.

All the best,

Anthony"

Irony

2008-11-09T19:23:00.001-08:00

I remember being a kid and taking the things I learned in school and bringing them home. One of which was my early fear of alcohol... why? I have NO idea. The teachers and administrators just made it sound really scary at school when I was six and seven years old. So my dad started drinking his one glass of wine in a plastic tupperware cup so we didn't realize it was alcohol.

Then when I got a little bit older I realized my mom drank like two to three cups of coffee a day! I thought that was outrageous and it probably was bad for her health. So we (maybe just me) convinced her one year to wean down to one cup of coffee a day for lent, and the following year she had to go without. Kids are powerful! Not to mention what the heck did I think about lent?

Today I got a headache. It's not a severe problem. It doesn't keep me from doing my homework, Facebook and blogging do that. But it serves as a painful reminder that some day I'm going to have to give up my caffeinated beverages. My parents were so good about this stuff, they really cared about our feelings and conscience. I don't know if I can be that selfless, especially for something so silly and little. Sure, sure if I really wanted to give it up I could and it would take a week or two to adjust back to normal levels of energy and endorphins without my capillaries freaking out because my blood just isn't as thin as it used to be.

So for now I'm drinking some green tea and praying that my head will feel better so I can actually have a good nights sleep. I think I've tried to convince myself to stop drinking caffeine over a dozen times. I'm almost out of coffee here at home, and I may just take it as a vow of poverty to not buy another bag of beans. "And isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

An eventful weekend

2008-10-05T18:10:00.001-07:00

So things were already looking up Friday after class. I had a Hawaiian BBQ, music and a Roof Top Party to attend! Seriously this was probably the most eventful weekend since, well… I can’t really remember. After we ate and sang some songs, we packed up and hiked across the street to the Pasadena Museum of California Art Roof Top Party, hosted by Fuller’s own Brehm Center. The only bummer was, Melanie discovered I can actually dance (nothin fancy, but I can keep beet). The cat is out of the bag and I have no more excuses. No worries, I think I’ll still survive and I hope my secret is safe with her.

Then Saturday morning rolls around--grey and wet. I LOVE it when it rains! The first hint of fall, of weather, of seasons here in Southern California. I get to pull out my sweaters, socks and boots. What more could I ask for?

Little did I know my day was going to get exponentially more fantabulous until I got the call from Nicole. She asked me how much I loved her and I knew. I knew she would come through for me. I knew she loved me enough to hook me up with an extra ticket to the Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and Iron and Wine show that night!!! Have I died and gone to heaven??? (not yet, the concert hadn’t started).

So I was giddy the whole day, I could hardly get any work done, we were going to go see one of the greatest shows I could hope to see. (And for free, might I add. Thanks WaMu, just tag my concert ticket right on to the tab of the Bailout plan… that’s a whole other story).

We drove up into the hills of Hollywood, and stood outside the Theatre waiting to grab our seats, second row from the back. You bet, I roll in style. Iron and Wine were amazing—who knew such passion and depth could come from a guitar, a piano and an accordion. I was blown away. Their music is new to me but I’ve come to really like woman king, it speaks to the feminist in me. But my favorite part is that she is depicted as a hand-to-hand combat warrior, “sword in hand swing at some evil and bleed.”

THIS WAS JUST THE BEGINNING!!

Then Glen and Marketa came out with their band and just took us all by the seat of our pants and rocked! Not only did they do some of their own exceptional tunes they did everything! They left us silent and made us want to scream. Glen unplugged his guitar and walked up front on the stage and said “I think I’m going to try this one without the speakers.” He strummed the first chords and the crowd cheered but only for a second because we didn’t want to miss a word … “I’m scratching at the surface now…” We could hear him clear as day, unplugged, all the way up into the nosebleed section! “This is what you’ve waited for, your chance to even up the score… …” One of the most powerful performances I have experienced.

I have to add some of the most amazing surprises like Robert Sherman (who wrote and performed for us supercalifragilisticexpialidocious) and John Carney (writer/director of Once).
Really this show was beyond all my expectations!

Double Dose of Jesus

2008-10-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

So today I was helping with the service at Fuente de Vida, the spanish speaking Church I will be at for the next nine months. I was told I would lead the "Oracion del Senor" "The Lord's Prayer." Okay, I'll just read through it a number of times to make sure i don't totally butcher some of the words.

So this morning, I was given a stole--blue and stiff, hand made by some people Ruben knows in Mexico. That was a first in my life, I'm not quite sure of their significance, but I'll keep looking into that. We walked to the front and stood behind the table, again not a position I'm used to. Pastor Esponda told of the significance of taking communion with the people of God, read scripture and blessed the elements.

I led in the prayer, that everyone else knew and said more quickly than I did so I giggled and kept going as well as I could, then Pastor asked me to say "the bread is the body of Christ and the wine/juice is the blood of Christ, or something like that" so I stumbled through "Something like that in english" and we stood there while everyone took their part. I hadn't noticed that we were going to all eat/drink together at the end, so as everyone was watching I took my piece ate/drank quickly and offered the plate to the deacon beside me who was surprised by my manners but didnt' say anything because i quickly realized I had done that one wrong. Pastor came to my rescue and offered me another piece of bread and we at together. I guess I just really got the real presence of Jesus today.

We have finally gotten past the "mucho gusto" part and moved into the "conjuntos" part. We're together in this and I have to wade through the next three months in order to get to know them and they me. Even when I take more Jesus than was allotted.

Conversations with Mom

2008-10-02T22:52:00.001-07:00

Hey Mom,
I was re-thinking about what we were talking to Luz (my grandfather's caregiver) about today. She said that the average housekeeper made about 2,000pesos a day (Luz' family is from the Philippines) with the exchange rate of 46 pesos/1 us dollar. The basic math is that that same person is expected to live off less than $1.50 a day when a hamburger costs $1 and a poud of meat about $4-5. The next thought I had was that a person who made even 10 times that would still be living off less than $15 a day. This hardly pays for food and shelter (if you're creative) let alone healthcare, insurance, children, education etc.
It really made me think because I have budgeted for myself $100 a week for food and extras. That's something like $15 a day. Now, granted, I spend $5-7 on a burger here so there is some inflation but it really helps me keep things in check especially when I have gas, utilities, a spacious and comfortable home with running-heated water and electricity. This is the kind of stuff that reminds me how much I have, above and beyond. Why I'm in seminary. And that the world I know is such a small fraction of what everyone else sees/knows.
I don't know if you ran the numbers through your head again, but I thought you would be interested to know.

love you!

Mi primero semana era una interna

2008-10-02T19:55:00.001-07:00

My first week as an intern

Sunday morning I leisurely rose to prepare for my first day at Fuente de Vida. Church does not start until 11am so I had plenty of time to review my “personal statement” for the congregation that day. I had no idea what to say. So I told them who I was, where I was from and a little bit about why I was there.

I sat alone through the service, behind two blind visitors who are apparently lay pastors for a church and honored guests that week. I scribbled some notes and followed along as much as I could. I think my favorite part is the singing, because I become part of the church when we sing. I can sing along, and understand mostly what I am saying to God but for some reason the significance of the words in these songs have changed. I'm learning that no longer does music at church find it’s strength and foundation in the words themselves but also in the corporate and personal offering it bears.

It didn’t matter that I only understood at best 50% of anything anyone said. It didn’t matter that my skin was white, my hair light, my eyes green or that I am a woman. They said “Bienvenidos” while shaking my hand and kissing me softly on the cheek.

I had a similar experience in South Africa. After 10 days of living, studying and traveling with a handful of South African Theology students I was given the name Owetu. A word deeply rooted in the freedom movements against the powers of Apartheid when citizens would rally together and proclaim Amantla Owetu—Power to the people, power is ours. Owetu means ours. At Fuente I have only committed to nine months and have given two days yet somehow I am part of them.

Day two: I met with Pastor Ruben and we walked around the church campus and began a brief conversation about questions I have. Then I observed as he led a couple in marriage counseling. I left early to join the deacons for a home visit with a woman who had suffered much pain so it is hard to work, and life is difficult. We sang more songs, Miriam read from Matthew 9 and spoke boldly of the good doctor we have in the Lord, we then shared our own prayer requests and offered it all to the Lord in prayer.

Most of the time I feel anxious about wishing I already knew the language, but the grace and support I have received has made me understand they love and accept me where I am and appreciate my commitment to them. But what is most important is that God is with us--guiding, leading and changing us.

new

2008-09-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have two and a half papers to write but instead I went to the gym, washed my car (kinda--the windows), watered the plants and then wrote a song.

It started out with a little chord progression that I liked
Then some silly words that rhymed
I wrote it down and kept going...

It is very simple, but I think it's pretty good for my first complete song.
My thanks go out to all who keep nudging me to keep at this, to have fun and enjoy it.
The recording is pretty weak (sorry garageband) but its good to have something permanent down.

If you were wondering, here's the lyrics. They're simple, because the truth is our feelings and needs don't have to be complicated.

You walked into my life
Caught my wandering eye
Saw the beauty
within
We walked together
Through rainy weather
I lost you somewhere...

(Chorus)
Break through the darkness
Step into tomorrow
Who knows what
Will come next
Take on each new day
Yesterday will fade away
I'll never be the same

The sun is shinin
The trees are smilin
Take me back
To where we met
The birds are flyin
The streets are cryin
My heart is dying
Can't run away from this regret

Okay, now I really have to write these papers!! Yikes :)

Urban Plunge

2008-08-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

This week we spent a handful of hours each day reaching out of our cozy little lives and into the community.
Thanks GSPC for sponsoring and having the vision to allow us to explore in these ways.
For teaching us to never stop asking why?
Why do people end up on the street?
Why do beaches get so dirty?
Why does it smell?
Why does the Church do stuff like this?
Why haven't I seen this before, or heard of this before?
Why, why, why, why, why?

Thanks for the hands who worked hard, played hard and came together.
Each day we met at Church, had some discussion, prayed and put our hands together and cheered for whatever was before us. Stellar.

Without the help of each one of you students, leaders and community organizations there would be a lot more hurt.
The pain, hunger, disconnection, stares, judgment, fear and hopelessness will never go away.
I am always grateful for times like this to continually look back on and look forward to.
I have been given so much, how could I forget to give it back in return.

Matt 25:40
"For whatever you did to the least of these, you did to me."

It never ceases to confound me that sorting through shoes, vacuuming, making soup, setting a table, and picking up trash at the beach is serving Jesus. Jesus, as fully God, needs nothing (especially from us!). But somehow takes on the needs, the sins, the concerns and the desires of the world. And miraculously by doing what Jesus did we continue his ministry and continue to share. Who am I?

Wow...

In class, play and work I have been humbled, that's a good week.

Lighten Up

2008-08-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

After looking at my last few posts I think I need to chill out a little bit.
Smell the roses, bask in the sun... you know lighten up.

So here are a few thoughts so you don't worry about my well-being or psychological stability.

In light of this, I think I'll reply to the "that's another blog for another time" comment made:

Senior year of high school I was involved with the Christian Club at Los Alamitos High. I don't keep it a secret that I have been called to ministry, but I don't think the world would be better off ruled solely by women. So the leaders of the Christian Club and I got together and we all agreed to find some people who would be interested in coming to our meeting and teach. I don't really remember the days or weeks in-between. But somehow I got in a one-on-one Church-off with a freshman who thought he knew a lot. He is a very devout man of faith. He takes his faith, relationship with God and relationships with other people very seriously... He thought he needed to make it clear that "I permit no woman to have authority..." (1Tim2:10)
The funny thing is that at that point in my life I had no idea people actually thought women should not serve as leaders and pastors in the Church. I got defensive and said, "what does that have to do with inviting my youth director to teach" (who actually was male, although this young man assumed I wanted to bring in a woman)?
His response: "You're just a charismatic, experiential feminist." So there!

Feminist--yes, in a moderate social sense of the term. I believe man and woman were created beautifully equal and unique. And I believe the commissioning Jesus gave to the disciples is for every follower of Christ. I believe that any structure set up to protect, teach and care for any group of men and women can only begin to function well with a balanced representation of both men and women at the helm.

Charismatic--I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe there are times where the Spirit given by Jesus Christ meets us in the broken, lost, angry, wordless and void places we run into in life. As revealed by the Word of God.

Experiential--I have faith and hope because I have experienced the real presence of Jesus Christ in my life. As revealed by the Word of God.

(I know, how very Presbyterian of me, get over it--I had to a long time ago).

But the implication that I was a crazy woman who made decisions based solely on feelings is FAR from anything I am. Please, ask my mom, my sister, any of my friends, any of the guys I've dated, ANYONE... really.

I hope that I can actually become more Charismatic and Experiential in my life. I hope that I can grow to trust God and people more, and follow the possibilities ahead. I hope that I can feel more free to worship and adore my creator through different styles of expression and creativity. I hope that the Lord continues to reveal grace, truth, kindness, mercy, love and generosity to me so that I might know my Creator more intimately.

Just a few thoughts.

Love you all!

2008-08-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

AGENDA:
(Picture: Dusty-grey and black typewriter… tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, clack, clack, tick tick, tick)
My car’s wheels need to be realigned.
Assignment 3b, 3 Continued and 4b… by midnight.
Sunday School in the morning. Nooma 008—Luggage.
The Bridge music…
Learn to hold my tongue…

Everyone has an agenda. From the tasks of the day to the way you understand God.
What’s the difference between belief and agenda?
Pisteuo (greek)—Faith, Belief, Trust.
Agenda—what I can do now to get what I want later.

Our ministries have an agenda. Let’s invite the community members to our “most awesomest” community picnic, welcome them, give them a name tag (try to learn their names), hand them a flyer with all the other “Church events” listed and hope and pray something stuck so that we can “save one more soul” or … … … “save our budget deficit.”

The way we should care for the marginalized
The way we should respond to the outcast
The way we should give to a hungry person, but what if they’re on drugs, I don’t want to give them money because maybe they’ll buy more drugs, or maybe a weapon…
The way we should vote
The schools our kids should be in
The way we should eat our meals, and who’s invited

And tonight…(more or less) “Are you going to continue pursuing ordination with all the things that are happening now in our Church? I am just not very happy with the things that are happening because if we allow homosexuals to come in and have authority, teaching, mentoring, counseling, and breaking this bread before us, well they’ll try to get us all on their side. They’ll just try to push their own agenda. I’m okay accepting them into our churches and praying for their sins. I just think we need boundaries.”

Can the PC(USA) have more boundaries?!!! We have a statement, a rule, and a committee for everything. From the “proper” way to administer sacraments to the “proper” way for a small group of people to gather together as a response to the mysterious and wonderful work of Jesus Christ, God Almighty and the Holy Spirit.

What is more tragic. Examining and allowing another broken person, who doesn’t have their life together, who seeks God, asks for forgiveness and has a community of believers who support them, taking a risk by stepping into a position of scrutiny and ridicule by the grace of God?

Or an entire community of people spread over hundreds of thousands of miles who hate one another because “you just don’t understand” or “you aren’t filled with the Holy Spirit” or “The Word of God strictly says________”

... Or was that my grandmother? My sister, or my father who has given up everything so that I would be safe, educated and happy? Who has given up promotions for me? Who has stayed up all night because I wasn’t feeling well because they love me so much? My pastor who prayed over people and they were healed?

Or our Lord, who said “It is finished.”

2008-07-31T23:35:00.001-07:00

Missed the Point?

So here it is, shuffle, shuffle, scrape, thud, tap-tap… the soap box, I’m pulling it out again. Most of you know this in person, but I’ll give her a try in black and white (or light blue). PS: it's a pretty long one. I know, I know-- short and sweet is always better... I'll have to keep working on that.

Okay, so yes I’m single. Yes I do often wish I had the companionship of a man, but I ask myself more and more at what cost?

My parents were married “later” (that is 28 and 34—which is really at most 10 years from now for me). Not that “late.” They have a beautiful, strong, balanced, loving and generous marriage and my sister and I have had comfortable, encouraging and happy lives because they were able to provide all of that for us. So in High School I believed “yeah I’ll probably not get married until I’m in my late 20’s too. I have to first get ordained and actually live my life (outside of being a student) and meet some real men.” Then I went to “Ring-by-Spring, Mrs. Degree” Point Loma. And the engagements came; the bridal showers came, the wishful thinking, the “dream weddings,” the drama, the bridezilla’s and the broken hearts came. Some marriages have been going strong and happy for a number of years; some ended up in broken engagements and within a few years a beautiful wedding with another person. Some ended up in ugly divorce--hush-hush between the rolling hum of the pipe organ at Church.

So call me a pessimist. Call me depressed. Call me melancholy. Call me a troublemaker. Call me what you want (because it’s unlikely it will ever beat “Charismatic Experiential Feminist” (Irony: for another blog)).

So if you’re a romantic. If you love, love for the sake of the butterflies and rainbows don’t bother reading on. But if you’ve actually thought twice or asked yourself “what’s so great about marriage?” Then tarry, get your feet wet. Muse with me.

Is “IT” really that great? (Thanks Jen for starting this… hope you don’t mind me stealing it). Okay, so maybe it is, I still have only been given part of the story so bear with me... So if it really is, at what cost? What are we really getting ourselves into when we say, “I do.” It’s not a “sex license.” Really, it’s not even in the fine print. Aren’t there always TWO sides to a coin?
If I get married then I’ll never be lonely again.
If I get married I’ll always have someone to talk to.
If I get married someone will understand.
If I get married then I won’t have to worry about being taken advantage of again.
If I get married we’ll have kids, and a puppy and a white picket fence, and be on the PTA, and go trick-or-treating, and have slumber parties and… and… and…

What does the other side of the coin look like?
If I get married I’ll never have privacy.
If I get married I’ll never get time to just think.
If I get married we’ll probably have kids, what if…
If I get married I might have to sign divorce papers, divide our stuff, our lives, our families, our future, our time, our hearts.

While I am single: Sometimes, maybe even a little bit all the time I feel lonely.
But, if a friend calls I can pick up a sweater and walk out the door. I don’t have to call for a sitter, ask permission or explain the situation to anyone. I can share my things with anyone. I can share my thoughts, desires and my dreams with someone young or someone old—I haven’t already given most of my time to one other person. I can sit in a coffee shop all night—watching people, meeting people, enjoying a perfectly prepared latte.
Decisions made can be influenced equally by myself, my best friend(s), my family and whoever else walks into the situation. It’s not a yours-and-mine equation. Yes sometimes an embrace, a glance will ignite something deep within that has never been touched before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to satisfy those flames. But, at least I know they’re there; there’s something still mysterious about myself that I don’t even know, that no one but the one who created me knows.

I am not exceptionally intelligent, kind, beautiful, generous, loving, funny or humble.
If I were exceptionally intelligent I would make a lot of money.
If I were exceptionally kind I would be living in another country feeding hungry people.
If I were exceptionally beautiful I would have my face in magazines.
If I were exceptionally generous I might have more friends.
If I were exceptionally loving I would hurt no one.
If I were exceptionally funny I would be on TV.
If I were exceptionally humble… that one’s up to God.

We have been misled. Who pulled the wool over my eyes? Who has let me wear these fuchsia glasses thinking that the images beyond will seem more alluring? Who am I to say “that’ll never be me.”

We confound ourselves by saying “all the pretty girls… or all the funny guys… or all the tall guys…” Or whatever phrase you chose to throw in there to say that it's something less than a miracle that two people can actually meet, enjoy each other so much that they CHOSE to take on the risk of having everything torn apart (when you bring two things together the other side is that it will be TORN apart). It’s a choice. You chose to take the next step, regardless of what may come. You don’t get married because “I’m crazy about him” or “She’s just so perfect” or “I just love you so much”
You marry because you have found someone who leads you closer to Christ so that without this other you more dimly follow your first love. That if you were to part, your pursuit of the Lord changes (not necessarily leaves you but it is inevitably different). Your lives have met in such a way that the Christ in me is more brilliant when you're around and the Christ in you is more Christ-like when I'm around. If you marry the direction in life you take is that of Christ. NOT of a four bedroom, three bath, with three kids, a trust fund and a Labrador. If the Lord blesses you with Children you are to raise them to know and love God. If you are blessed with a house, you are to open those doors to someone who may not have as much. If you are blessed with a trust fund, use it to the glory of God. If you are blessed with a Labrador, the Lord will teach you humility.

I’m not perfect, I'm not even close. Ask my closest friends and my parents. Believe me they have plenty of stories. I’m not looking for the perfect man. I’m just interested in finding people—man, woman, child—who by the grace of God bring life to Christ in our midst. People who are made alive in Christ.

I am blessed to know many of these children of God. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you. Maybe some day for some crazy unknown reason a man will come into my life and God wants to use us together. Not because either of us have anything exceptional to offer, but that together Christ is more beautiful. Until then, I’ll keep working on trying to follow today, tomorrow, next week, when I’m 50 and when I’m 87.

And by the grace of our Lord this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Feelings...

2008-07-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

I always love the joke that comes up when you’re hanging out with friends, and you feel as if you’re in a psychiatrist’s chair instead “and how did that make you feel?”

Overwhelmed :: Neglected :: Irritated :: Lonely :: Excited :: Defeated :: Weak ::Courageous

How can one day be filled with so much?! What the heck! (PS: I haven’t done anything I really should have either, no reading, no homework… oh my goodness).

Can’t we just have a day where you are really “good.” That’s what you tell everyone, right?

Like today when I met with my Presbyterian Liaison, Jeff, saw Werner at Church, met with Brittany, or had dinner with Dale. How’s it going? “Great!” I reply confidently. Some I share more with than others, and obviously if you know me I really am feeling “great” (for the most part) but troubled by other things that never really leave the cloud above. Kind of like Eeyore’s overhead rain cloud, just for him and his thoughts alone. Except I can never really leave my rain clouds to myself, I usually let them splash and drip on others too (or you just get to step in the muddy ground I tend to leave behind—I’m sorry). I just can’t handle getting wet alone.

You can’t change other people; you can only change the way you react to each situation.

Devotional life… leaves us both wanting something more…

Where is the Church going? Part of me recognizes this call, but would it be best lived out in Friday Night Dinners? I love to cook and feed people and talk about the Lord. Why can’t I just do this? You’re invited. I will be ordained, but is it just for my own pride?

Oh the secrets of my heart
The places you desire me to go
I will to follow in Your way
I love to see Your face
I need Your help to have faith

Fear and doubt in me
You use us wherever we are
Surely you are greater than
My insecurities

I feel like Moses,
Barely able to get two words out right
Where’s Aaron and Miriam?
How the heck did he do that?
… … …

On the outside I seem strong
I’m on my way
Put together with a four-year-plan
Inside I tremble with fear
Rejection, hurt—not just of me
But the power I hold, what I can do to you
What I have done I cannot repair
Almost paralyzed by that which I do not know
Not quite totally paralyzed though
I keep moving forward
Stepping out into the unknown
The Word as my comfort and guide
With the bruises I bear
I remember I’m not alone
You too walk beside me
And you, my friend, you hear
The voice of hope we cling to
Together, can we see?
Can we hear?

(PS: I don’t know how I ever turn in actual papers. I’m lucky if I can even finish a paragraph on the same subject!)

Muddy Waters

2008-07-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

8 of us went to Kern river this week.

We camped.

And we went down the rapids, well level 1-3...

White water rafting and kayaking... what a blast :)

We started out nice and easy with the 5 person yellow raft, afloat on the chocolate river (thanks to the summer thunder storms that resulted in a couple of flash floods to color the water we rafted on!)

First you're suited up with the generic, community-shared, once-was-bright orange life-vest that's cinched around your chest so you can almost breathe, just in case. Then you're handed a paddle...

Hop on to the 32 passenger old school bus and you drive about 3 miles up the road where you drop in.

You're given vague instructions that you don't quite understand until you're waist-deep in swirly-brown-cocoa-foamed river water.

"Don't stand up in the boat"

"If you fall out, don't go down the river head first"

"California-lounge-position"

"Hump-and-shuffle" ("but, don't tell our boss you learned this from us")...

"Lock your feet"

"If you're going to tip, lean to the up side"

"To turn right paddle on the left, to turn left paddle on the right"

etc.

And we're off... There's no brake, no stop button, no anchor...

Just you... some inflated plastic... a life vest... paddle... and our raft-guides

Travis tried to pick on Joe... he was thrown in about 8 (thousand) times.

Bob only escaped a good dunking because he was bigger and stronger than the rest of us, so he pushed me in...

We soared down the rapids... again and again...

Five different rapids, levels 1-3... not too shabby.

We first got in the water on Monday and it went about 705 cfs (Cubic feet per second... explained like this "imagine there are 705, 60 lbs basketballs, they all move a foot every second) by this morning, after another storm yesterday it was going over 1000 cfs---BOOYAH!

Naturally after we went down twice on the big 5-person rafts we all believed we were pro's and moved up to kayak-status (and that's what Curtis booked for us, consequentially).

Twisting and turning between the pockets and rocks, spinning around in the churning rapids, splashing and laughing, dunking and diving... I think all in all this was an awesome trip. The greatest thing is that the water is never the same twice, it can sink or rise, roar or quiet to a trickle. Each ride is a new adventure waiting.

(And our only casualties were: Sarah got her finger bumped with a paddle, I sliced my finger while warming our tortillas (be careful tortillas are sharp apparently), Spencer and Sean scraped up their shins while exploring along the riverbank, and our guide lost his glasses)

I would totally do it again. Can we please?

BOOYAH :)

Reaism or Pessimism

2008-06-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

So, I have this tendency to try and protect myself by examining every situation closely in order that I might figure out where I fit and how to proceed.

Let's start with an easy one for instance: Greek. What do I know for sure? I'm not dumb, the bible is good stuff and learning greek is helpful in learning more and understanding more deeply, my professor is intelligent and skilled, I have homework assignments and quizzes. My performance on tests and quizzes will determine my grade which will be a reflection of my work. Therefore whatever grade I get is a direct result of the work I put into learning the subject. I think I may get a C this quarter. (update: true...)

Moving into less-charted-territory: Family. What do I know for sure? They love me and I love them. We all have different personalities. We all like different things. We all have faith in an amazing God. We all have had experiences that have formed us to be who we are. Chrissie and I do not know anyone else in our family intimately. My parents have a strong and loving relationship. We disagree over many issues and topics. Because we are so different I know that I will learn a lot from each person and be encouraged by them because of their love. But I also know that there is potential for pain because of that hope, faith and trust that is placed in that history and love. Therefore I risk being hurt in order to grow closer to them, learn and be blessed by them. How much do I risk? How much am I willing to put on the line for the unknown? Will we ever grow much closer when we disagree on so much and have had such different life experiences?

Dare I forge a thought into the outer-galaxies of the XY chromosome?

What do I know for sure? You like me... well at least today you do. You think I'm beautiful... until you see I haven't shaved in days. We have a good time together and with other friends... will this change if one of us gets hurt? We both have issues, insecurities and marred pasts... and gratitude for grace received from the Lord... can I receive grace from you and will you receive grace from me? (update: status: single... what can I say)

I hardly even know where to go with that one.

Thank the Lord, I don't have to figure it out by my own abilities.

Thank you Lord for giving us friends and family that care deeply.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance on you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

SEVEN

2008-05-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

The number seven is my favorite number. I was born on the 7th of January, the same day as my grandmother. There are seven days in a week--biblical completion. Seven years old seemed to be a pretty amazing age.

Today we begin week Seven of the third quarter of my studies at Fuller.

Somehow the seventh week lacks the same grandeur the other 7's possess.

Some things to brighten the week:

Mother's Day :) Mom's rock!

Tammy's Birthday and consequential Celebratory Activities

My midterms will be over (after Monday at 5)

The list of things to do is slowly getting done

But now I have to get back to studying for Pentateuch.

Funny thing I did this weekend: I left my Genesis book at Amanda's, then she brought it to me at the Corner Bakery where I left it after meeting with Erica. I think I secretly was totally through with that one. Sad story, eh?

Happy Mother's Day :)

fear

2008-04-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

We all have fears.

Some come and go as we age, experience life and change environments.

Others become our darkest anchors that keep us from forging the seas of life.

As a child I believe I feared little. I crawled out of the crib at 16 or 18 months old...I didn't really have a plan, but I knew I wanted out. I loved animals, climbing trees and stuck just about anything in my mouth to check it out (sorry mom!).

As I grew and became more sensitive to the world around me, fear became a more real experience. I remember in elementary school having this recurring nightmare (probably linked to some nickelodeon game-show or the movie Hook) that I was locked in a chair, surrounded by my friends and family who proceeded to laugh and throw food and colorful goop at me. Do you like me? My fear of rejection and loneliness became a sub-conscious reality in life.

Not unlike anyone I know, this fear of rejection continued through Jr. High and High School where circumstances rarely countered my deep fears. Socially I was in the "uncool" group and in Jr. High there's not a whole lot you can do to get out of that once you've been labeled.

So instead of trying to fight it I went to the place where I was accepted and nurtured among peers (because at that point peers were all that mattered)--Church. What is the role of the church? Is the church just a psycho-social crutch to make people feel okay about being uncool or lame? What does God think about the people who are cool? Where do we all fit in and how do we make this work? Who am I truly, in God?

By going to Church through this time in my life, I now know, that it wasn't good just because I had a few friends there. It was an enriching, life-changing, strengthening, humbling and beautiful time because of the depth and width and height of the God of all creation, and the people who are found in God.

I was reminded today by a friend that God is so much bigger than our fears, questions, perspective, deepest desires and ability to comprehend. ~amen

So, I don't share about my fears of loneliness, rejection, failures and incompleteness because I want you to say "oh poor baby," but I share because I know you're there with me. I know when I had to say goodbye to my grandma yesterday that she cried out in fear of being left alone, or with strangers. She has lost the capacity to understand and comprehend the greater picture and all she sees in dementia is the immediate fracture of security and comfort when we leave. Or the phone call my friend got at church by a disabled member who's heart was hurting because he felt all alone. It is humbling to realize my deepest fears and sensitivities are no different from these people. Society tries to push them aside and say they are not normal, but they are as human as I.

We all have broken hearts. We all long to be deeply loved and connected with another.

From Isaiah 62 (The Message)

"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God. You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God. No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined. You'll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights n you and your land will be like a wedding celebration."

Out with Grandpa

2008-04-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

Visiting with my grandpa can easily be a kick in the pants. My friends like to call him “the General” (because he was a Lieutenant Colonel during WWII under General McArthur). He is an amazing man who loves his family, knows more about plants than anyone I know (or 10 people combined) and has more little sayings than I will ever know!

Today I came over and we went to lunch together. He likes to go to Bean Town because the sandwiches are so good. So we sat there sharing our lunch together- turkey on wheat with diet coke and some lays potato chips. Although he’s 90 years old he is still pretty sharp and when two young girls (about 16 years old) walked in he noticed how tight their pants were…this is what he said...

He leans in to tell me “you know what Gerald (my uncle, his youngest and only son) would say about those girls’ tight pants?”
Knowing what he is capable of saying I hesitantly said, “what, grandpa?”
“If she farted she would blow her shoes off.”

So Good, mmmm, so good.

We then went down to look at the Wisteria vines at the Fire Station. The soft sweet smell of the flowers filled the air. I watched as he cupped a bundle in his hand and smelled them; I wish I had a camera with me.

I love that he still takes joy and pleasure in the sweet aroma of a flower and the savor of lunch with his granddaughter.

I think often about my aging, fragile grandparents and the reality that they will be gone very soon. And my parents and I will only follow in their footsteps if the Lord is generous in our days together. It is very sad to watch them lose ability to care for themselves, remember what day it is, know where they are and sometimes who we are. And every one of them has responded differently to this tragic, scary transition in their life. I wonder how to honor them in their old age—to respect them, their wisdom and experience. Whenever I think of children emerging into adolescence and adulthood I think of aging adults moving into seniority because the transitions are hard, responsibilities and abilities change and you are treated differently by society at large.

Lord, forgive me (and us as “postmodern” society and particularly the Church) for being so self-centered and proud to think that value is found in productivity, prominence and agility. Lord, you seek what is just and pure of heart. Lead me to consider and reach out for these things. Help me to find beauty, peace and joy in the small blessings of life, like lunch with grandpa, a smile, sweet wisteria, a cool breeze and each breath. ~amen

Walking

2008-04-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

So my tire went flat last night driving home on the 57 from having dinner with my sister, Justice. Today I had it replaced along with an oil change.

My favorite part was the walk.

I walked from the auto shop to school and back. Colorado Blvd is not a new route for me to take, however I'm usually not on foot. I'm usually closed into my little Corolla, Myrtle. We'll listen to the radio or whatever CD I have in the player. Most of the time I sing along and take in what's around me. The problem with this is that I can't hear anything outside her aerodynamic walls. I am completely isolated from the world around me (less a California-friendly honk to keep things moving along).

Today's most notable observations were the number of languages I encountered. Five, yes, that's correct. Five different languages in the span of about one hour! Isn't that amazing? Two girls talking together outside PCC, a guy on his cell phone walking behind me from the Fuller Coffee shop, the owner of Tops speaking to a couple of guys on the patio, two gentlemen holding a conversation at a stop light and all us English-speaking people. Really, spanning from English speakers to the Middle-East, Central and South America across the Pacific to Asia.

I traveled the world, and only went about 3 miles.

What a wonderful day.

Now I am going to get really crazy and do my greek homework.

And if I go to Bean Town I will probably run into Harry and Sarkis who are from Lebanon.

I really like living in Southern California! What a blessing.

Spring Cleaning

2008-03-27T15:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I washed my car...not the outside, but the inside upholstery. That felt good.
Today I continue by cleaning the house. First you sweep, then shove all the furniture into the smallest amount of space so that you can vacuum the most floorspace. Mopped the kitchen and bathroom...and on and on. Grout might be one of my favorite parts...from grunge to white with a little bit of bleach and elbow grease.
I also did some gardening...uprooted a bunch of weeds and potted my roses because the gardeners keep weed-waking-decapitating them.

Spring cleaning definitely includes these kind of chores, sometimes a garage sale is the grand finale. Sometimes it's enough to know you can eat off the floors.

But my spring cleaning will not result in a garage sale, I'll actually be losing some money in the end...I'm quitting my job at Bean Town. I love Bean Town, I really respect the owner, and I think some of the employees are wonderful. Last week was the first week I thought of quitting and through an inventory since then I have found that the things that make my time there difficult to intolerable I just can't change. So the only option is for me to leave.

So, so-long Bean Town. I will visit you. I haven't gone far, I'm just doing what I have to do.

Don't be forlorn...this is hardly the end of the story!

Things that I will have freedom to do since I no longer work at BTUSA
1) Music: I will have more free time to practice, and (maybe) write.
2) Gym: I know I hate exercising but I also know it's good for me. Maybe this will help motivate me (no more excuses).
3) Homework: Surprise, surprise...yeah I know it's not my forte but there's a chance I'll be less stressed by work and I'll have free time to read.

Cheers to Bean Town
Best wishes to you my friends
Call me if you need me
Besos~

For Starters

2008-03-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Let's start at the very beginning.

I was called to ministry, or what I have recognized as a call to ministry, when I was 14 at Forest Home. I sing and play guitar and I love to use these gifts to lead people in worship. I think Jr. Highers are the most interesting people on the face of the earth and I want them to know they are valued.

So here I am, 10 years after this "call" finally at Seminary where I'm going to "learn how to be a pastor"...we'll see

I started in September--dove right in.
Quarter 2 is almost over (10 days guys, we're gonna rock this!)

What do I hope to get out of this $40,000+ investment?
I hope to gain some networking resources for a job
I hope to build deeper friendships that will push me closer to God and challenge me to live fully, love generously and be humble.
I hope to have some resources in order to articulate the complexifications of the Bible and life...and a heart to know when there's just no answer.
I hope to have more hope

What's so hard about Seminary?
The unanswerable questions...
"What/Who is/are the Church?"
"What authority does the Bible have, and how do we hold it together?"
"What do I have to give?"
"What's the point?"
etc. etc. etc. (more to follow)

Other goals and desires
I want to speak Spanish fluently
I want to learn to play Cello
I want to play my guitar more
I want to be a better friend
I wan to be more whole
I want to be more familiar with the Bible
I want to eat more vegetables
I want to travel and see the world

I suppose these are the things people think about mostly during New Years, they're always changing and growing in my mind. We are coming up on the end of the Lenten season...I could have used that time to devote to at least one of these disciplines but I blew that. I still have a long way to go, but my greatest comfort is that I am not alone.

Come, walk with me. Talk with me. Share with me your hopes and dreams. Teach me because you are beautiful and you have so much to give. We're in this together, thank God.

well...I'm still learning this whole blogging thing. I'll keep working on it for your reading pleasure and my sharing skills.

Peace